A Guide to Jewish Mourning and CondolenceJerome A. Rabow Copyright, 1982, Valley Beth Shalom
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Preface Graphic services were donated by
Bill Wallen. Howard Sheldon donated the printing services. The entire publication
of the booklet was made possible by a generous grant from the VBS Counseling
Center. Many individuals graciously shared
with us memories of their personal mourning experiences, and provided us with
both specific information and general encourage-ment. This booklet is dedicated
to them and to all the families with whom we share the pain, the dignity and
ultimately the mutually uplifting experience of Jewish mourning. Jerome A. Rabow Rabbinical Foreword No studies at the Seminary, no course
in death and dying, could have prepared me for what I came to see and live as
a rabbi in contact with death. Nothing I could have read would have taught me
how to hold the hand of a forty-year-old father dying of cancer. Nothing could
have stopped my stomach from turning at the apparent injustice of it all. No
studies can tell the rabbi how to keep his mind from coming apart in the face
of the tragic death of a child. Ultimately, everyone is unprepared for death.
1. Multi-disciplinary Approach: The booklet will attempt to approach
this complex area on a multi-disciplinary basis. We try to provide basic answers
to some legal questions which arise in death and mourning. Some of the important
financial information about funeral arrangements is also discussed. We try to
be sensitive to the psychological aspects of mourning and condolence, from the
point of view of both the bereaved family and the friends and community. Most
importantly, we attempt to describe authentic traditional Jewish standards,
while also exploring some possible adaptations to contemporary circumstances. 2. Necessary Advice: It is important to understand that
this booklet is neither intended as, nor constitutes, an official, authori-tative
statement of Conservative Judaism or of policies adopted or approved by Valley
Beth Shalom or its Rabbis. VBS members are urged to consult with the appropriate
authorities available to them through the synagogue as part of the proper use
of this booklet. Religious questions can only receive authentic and authoritative
responses with the help of the Rabbis, as assisted by the synagogue's Ritual
Director and Pararabbinics. Psychological issues can be extremely important,
and the professional assistance of a psychiatrist, psychologist, family doctor
or a VBS Paraprofessional Counselor can be an important step in the mourning
and condolence process. Financial information given here obviously cannot be
fully accurate or up-to-date, and the Jewish funeral director and the Valley
Beth Shalom cemetery committee should be consulted for current prices. Legal
issues and specific legal questions should be referred to an attorney. One way
in which VBS serves its members in time of need is to provide referrals to an
appropriate source of advice for any of these matters. Traditional Jewish attitudes about
death are an integral part of overall Jewish attitudes and philosophy about
life. Death has always been seen as a part of the natural process of life. Our
reaction to the death--worshipping cultures of ancient Egypt has ingrained in
Jews an avoidance of excessive focus upon death. For traditional Jews, the practices
surrounding death, funeral and mourning are governed, as are all features of
daily life, by an intricate set of detailed rules, each of which has something
significant to say about the underlying philosophy of life and relationship
to God and fellow man. 1. Contemporary American Problems: In contemporary America, many Jews
have lost their connection with the tradition. Searching for the rich philosophical
basis of their Jewish tradition, they are often unaware of the form or meaning
of many of the ritual procedures. Moreover, Jews in America have been strongly
influenced by the secular and Christian doctrines and attitudes of our mass
culture. Especially because so little is generally discussed in the home about
traditional Jewish beliefs in this area, we and our children have grown to believe
that certain secular or Christian practices are Jewish because they all seem
"traditional." Indeed, many Jews are shocked to learn that Judaism
does not follow practices such as viewing the corpse at the funeral, flowers
and floral wreaths, and the wake or celebration of the deceased. (Our reasons
for not following these practices are discussed below. 2. Development of Our Tradition: Of course, we must keep in mind
that defining the authentic Jewish tradition is not a simple task. Judaism has
gone through thousands of years of challenge, response and adaptation to threats
and influences of the majority cultures in which it has existed. Judaism has
responded to the exigencies of the times by developing various traditions which
did not have their source in biblical Judaism. Many Conservative Jews believe
that it is the obligation of contemporary Jews to continue the process of adapting
our authentic Jewish traditions and re-investing them with new meaning so that
they fulfill their functional role of helping the mourners and the community
respond to the death of one of our members. 3. Psychological Needs: In one respect, we have an easier
job in thinking about this matter than did the ancient rabbis in their attempts
to interpret and develop Jewish mourning tradition. As a result of modern psychological
and sociological research, we know a great deal about the psychological aspects
of bereavement and mourning. We understand now that the bereaved generally have
certain common needs in response to certain common pressures, and that the mourning,
funeral and condolence practices of the community cannot be considered appropriate
if they ignore these psychological needs. Indeed, one of the most fascinating
insights derived from a study of traditional Jewish mourning practices is just
how remarkably fitting, in terms of modern-day psychological understanding,
the traditional Jewish practices are. Rabbis of several thousand years ago were
able, simply on the basis of their general observations of human nature, to
develop practices whose timing and content closely track the most recent studies
of sound psychological practice in this area. 4. Changing Our Attitudes: It is hoped that this booklet will have a significant effect upon our attitudes about death. First of all, it is important that we and our children come to accept death as a part of life, and to see the transition from life to death as an inevitable part of the process of life. Secondly, the traditional Jewish mourning practices speak to us movingly and meaningfully about the Jewish philosophy of life. We should study and learn these lessons and integrate them into our own views of life. Finally, this booklet is about both mourning and condolence. This duality recognizes the fact that the death of a member of our community calls forth action, response and obligation, not merely from the immediate family, but also from the friends, Havurah and community at large, all of whom have vitally important roles to play in the process of supporting the bereaved. It is hoped that this booklet will furnish all of us with sufficient knowledge to feel confident and comfortable in carrying out our condolence mitzvot.
Considerations Any discussion of Jewish condolence practices might appropriately begin with the closely related traditions concerning relationships with the sick. 1. Visiting the Sick: In traditional Judaism, the visiting
of the sick (bikur holim) has always been regarded as a very important community
obligation. This obligation relates not only to visiting close friends or family
members who are ill, but is a general community obligation regardless of the
exis-tence or degree of prior personal relationship. 2. Problems of Terminal Illness: When a patient is not only ill,
but terminally ill, all the problems of everyone involved obviously become intensified.
The patient himself is in a unique state. The family is greatly affected by
the distress of the impending loss. Moreover, the visitor is burdened with the
knowledge of the forthcoming loss, and the concern that comes from not knowing
how to act or what to say. We should note that, while no firm rules can be expressed,
our general experience can provide guides for conduct in these situations. The
seriously ill patient is generally more able to control the course of conversation
than we commonly believe. Patients typically know the gravity of their illnesses,
either because they have been told, or because they can surmise the facts from
the actions and statements of those around them. However, patients differ in
their readiness to discuss these matters openly. Most studies indicate that
it is best to let the patient take the lead, and the visitor should be ready
to discuss or ignore the situation as the patient seems to call for. However,
such respect for the patient's own right to deal with the situation on the patient's
terms should not be twisted into a conspiracy of lying to the patient. The patient's
last days have a special meaning and value which is incompatible with surrounding
him with a facade of deception. 3. Conversations with the Terminally
iII: One good way to initiate conversations
with the patient is simply to ask the patient how he is feeling today. The patient
can respond at any level he wishes to discuss, and the visitor can readily follow
that lead. Many visitors shy away from making visits to terminally ill patients
because of fear of accidentally saying something which will suddenly upset the
patient or make the patient realize the gravity of his situation. We should
be aware that natural psychological defense mechanisms will tend to insulate
the patient from any such shock. Patients who are not capable of dealing openly
with the fact of their impending death very likely block out even straightforward
attempts to give them that information. Most health practitioners agree that
terminally ill patients are a good deal stronger psychologically than most of
us assume. On the whole it is far more cruel to deprive the patient of important
human contact at this time than to risk the rare instance in which a visitor's
well-meaning comment might result in some disturbance to the patient. 4. Helping the Family: One contemporary aspect of terminal
illness which perhaps calls for a change in traditional focus is the fact that
nowadays terminally ill patients are often subject to powerful medication and
around-the-clock medical atten-tion. This often puts the patient in a state
of being almost beyond the ability to be helped by even the most well-meaning
of visitors. At the same time, the patient's family is often ignored, although
it is frequently in a great deal of distress. Today, therefore, we should see
our obligation of visiting the sick as extended to visiting also with the family
of the terminally ill. In doing so, we should bear in mind certain natural psychological
consequences to the family of a terminally ill patient. Family members are not
only grief-stricken but are often struck by (and at the same time horrified
by the fact that they have) various feelings of guilt or anger about the terminally
ill patient. The family naturally feels some ambivalence about the period of
terminal illness, with its attendant and seemingly meaningless pain, suffering
and expense. While the visitor is not expected to be a therapist, the visitor's
awareness of these common psychological pressures and a willingness to give
an understanding ear to the concerns that may be expressed by the family can
be important to the family in helping them understand that their feelings are
normal and natural, and not inappropriate or disloyal. If a family is in significant
distress at this time, it would be a wonderful thing for a visitor who has any
influence with them to have them seek professional psychological help. Crisis
intervention counseling can be extremely important, especially as it may help
the family maintain its ability to interact fully with each other and with the
patient during this important time. A call to the VBS Counseling Center can
bring help in such a situation. Arrangements An area of lifetime consideration
which should not be left until the stage of terminal illness is purchasing,
in advance of need, a burial plot, and perhaps also funeral services. Such advance
arrangements provide several advantages. Most important, perhaps, is to free
the surviving family from the distressing burdens of making those decisions
at their time of grief. Making one's own advance arrangements allows each individual
to exercise his or her own judgments about these matters, rather than forcing
the family later to guess what would have been desired. Advance arrangements
permit a family to make a collective decision, perhaps securing a group of family
burial plots. Finally, there may be significant economic advantages to making
advance arrangements. Burial plots or funeral services can be obtained at present
prices, often at a substantial discount over prices in effect in later years.
An installment payment plan may be available which permits easy budgeting for
the purchase. The family will also be freed from the economic burden of providing
funds later.
Condolence A.Who Are the "Mourners" Under Jewish Law? Turning now to the questions of
actual mourning and condolence, the first issue is to distinguish between the
small family group of mourners and the larger community whose task it is to
console and support them. B.The
Immediate Decisions Required Upon A Death Jewish tradition recognizes that
the mourners im-mediately after the death (an "Onen") are in a condition
of great emotional distress and shock - so much so that they are excused from
all personal, religious and community obligations. Their only duty during the
period between the death and the funeral is to make the burial and funeral arrangements. 1. Notifications: One of the first matters to be taken
care of is to begin the process of notifying the community. This is mandated
by our tradition's insistence that both the mourners and the community at large
have important roles to play in connection with the death. (a) The Synagogue: A single call
to the Valley Beth Shalom office will serve many functions. The Rabbis and Pararabbinics
will be notified so that they can be available to help. The synagogue office
will also thereby be able to serve as a community information source. Synagogue
members often call the synagogue office to verify information about reported
deaths. (b) The Funeral Director: As detailed
below, engag-ing a Jewish funeral director is another important first step,
which will lead to much helpful information and assistance. In this connection,
many families have found that it is very important before reaching decisions
about the funeral to have the independent counsel and assistance of someone
knowledgeable about authentic Jewish tradi-tion and contemporary funeral practices.
VBS offers its members the coordinated assistance of our Rabbis, Ritual Director
and especially trained Pararabbinics for this purpose. They should be consulted
immediately. (c) Friends and Relatives: Notifying
friends or relatives can often be a burdensome task. The Havurah or other close
friends should volunteer to make these calls. Obviously, it will be helpful
if the time and place of the funeral arrangements have been worked out first,
so that all of the information can be given at one time. Especially where there
is no prior personal relationship between the caller and the party being notified,
these calls should be kept brief and simple, and extensive discussion about
the deceased's medical history and the emotional or financial state of the family
should be avoided. The basic information could be given as follows: "I'm
afraid I have some sad information about the __________ family. __________ died
on __________ (day). The cause of death was __________. The funeral will be
held on __________ at __________. Depending on the nature of the response, it
may also be appropriate for the caller to indicate that the family is being
cared for by close friends or relatives so that general visiting at the house
before the funeral would not be appropriate; or what, if any, foods would be
welcome at the house after the funeral; or the telephone number where additional
information can be obtained later. (d) Attorney: The decedent's attorney
should also be contacted promptly. The attorney may have information about burial
instructions or other Will provisions, and can answer any initial questions
about probate procedures or other legal matters. 2. Care of the Body Until the Funeral: (a) The Funeral Director: The funeral
director will arrange to call for the body at the home or the hospital and to
care for the body until the funeral. The Jewish funeral director is also an
important source of help and information concerning state and local legal requirements
and the available choices regarding coffins and cemeteries. Funeral directors
should not, however, be relied upon to determine questions of religious law
or authentic tradi-tion; such questions should be referred to the synagogue's
Rabbis or Pararabbinics. (b) Making the Decisions: It is important to recognize that the family of the deceased is often in a state of shock and confusion immediately after the death. Besides the shock, common immediate psychological reactions to the death of a loved one often include strong feelin |
