A Guide to Jewish Mourning and CondolenceJerome A. Rabow Copyright, 1982, Valley Beth Shalom
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Preface Graphic services were donated by
Bill Wallen. Howard Sheldon donated the printing services. The entire publication
of the booklet was made possible by a generous grant from the VBS Counseling
Center. Many individuals graciously shared
with us memories of their personal mourning experiences, and provided us with
both specific information and general encourage-ment. This booklet is dedicated
to them and to all the families with whom we share the pain, the dignity and
ultimately the mutually uplifting experience of Jewish mourning. Jerome A. Rabow Rabbinical Foreword No studies at the Seminary, no course
in death and dying, could have prepared me for what I came to see and live as
a rabbi in contact with death. Nothing I could have read would have taught me
how to hold the hand of a forty-year-old father dying of cancer. Nothing could
have stopped my stomach from turning at the apparent injustice of it all. No
studies can tell the rabbi how to keep his mind from coming apart in the face
of the tragic death of a child. Ultimately, everyone is unprepared for death.
1. Multi-disciplinary Approach: The booklet will attempt to approach
this complex area on a multi-disciplinary basis. We try to provide basic answers
to some legal questions which arise in death and mourning. Some of the important
financial information about funeral arrangements is also discussed. We try to
be sensitive to the psychological aspects of mourning and condolence, from the
point of view of both the bereaved family and the friends and community. Most
importantly, we attempt to describe authentic traditional Jewish standards,
while also exploring some possible adaptations to contemporary circumstances. 2. Necessary Advice: It is important to understand that
this booklet is neither intended as, nor constitutes, an official, authori-tative
statement of Conservative Judaism or of policies adopted or approved by Valley
Beth Shalom or its Rabbis. VBS members are urged to consult with the appropriate
authorities available to them through the synagogue as part of the proper use
of this booklet. Religious questions can only receive authentic and authoritative
responses with the help of the Rabbis, as assisted by the synagogue's Ritual
Director and Pararabbinics. Psychological issues can be extremely important,
and the professional assistance of a psychiatrist, psychologist, family doctor
or a VBS Paraprofessional Counselor can be an important step in the mourning
and condolence process. Financial information given here obviously cannot be
fully accurate or up-to-date, and the Jewish funeral director and the Valley
Beth Shalom cemetery committee should be consulted for current prices. Legal
issues and specific legal questions should be referred to an attorney. One way
in which VBS serves its members in time of need is to provide referrals to an
appropriate source of advice for any of these matters. Traditional Jewish attitudes about
death are an integral part of overall Jewish attitudes and philosophy about
life. Death has always been seen as a part of the natural process of life. Our
reaction to the death--worshipping cultures of ancient Egypt has ingrained in
Jews an avoidance of excessive focus upon death. For traditional Jews, the practices
surrounding death, funeral and mourning are governed, as are all features of
daily life, by an intricate set of detailed rules, each of which has something
significant to say about the underlying philosophy of life and relationship
to God and fellow man. 1. Contemporary American Problems: In contemporary America, many Jews
have lost their connection with the tradition. Searching for the rich philosophical
basis of their Jewish tradition, they are often unaware of the form or meaning
of many of the ritual procedures. Moreover, Jews in America have been strongly
influenced by the secular and Christian doctrines and attitudes of our mass
culture. Especially because so little is generally discussed in the home about
traditional Jewish beliefs in this area, we and our children have grown to believe
that certain secular or Christian practices are Jewish because they all seem
"traditional." Indeed, many Jews are shocked to learn that Judaism
does not follow practices such as viewing the corpse at the funeral, flowers
and floral wreaths, and the wake or celebration of the deceased. (Our reasons
for not following these practices are discussed below. 2. Development of Our Tradition: Of course, we must keep in mind
that defining the authentic Jewish tradition is not a simple task. Judaism has
gone through thousands of years of challenge, response and adaptation to threats
and influences of the majority cultures in which it has existed. Judaism has
responded to the exigencies of the times by developing various traditions which
did not have their source in biblical Judaism. Many Conservative Jews believe
that it is the obligation of contemporary Jews to continue the process of adapting
our authentic Jewish traditions and re-investing them with new meaning so that
they fulfill their functional role of helping the mourners and the community
respond to the death of one of our members. 3. Psychological Needs: In one respect, we have an easier
job in thinking about this matter than did the ancient rabbis in their attempts
to interpret and develop Jewish mourning tradition. As a result of modern psychological
and sociological research, we know a great deal about the psychological aspects
of bereavement and mourning. We understand now that the bereaved generally have
certain common needs in response to certain common pressures, and that the mourning,
funeral and condolence practices of the community cannot be considered appropriate
if they ignore these psychological needs. Indeed, one of the most fascinating
insights derived from a study of traditional Jewish mourning practices is just
how remarkably fitting, in terms of modern-day psychological understanding,
the traditional Jewish practices are. Rabbis of several thousand years ago were
able, simply on the basis of their general observations of human nature, to
develop practices whose timing and content closely track the most recent studies
of sound psychological practice in this area. 4. Changing Our Attitudes: It is hoped that this booklet will have a significant effect upon our attitudes about death. First of all, it is important that we and our children come to accept death as a part of life, and to see the transition from life to death as an inevitable part of the process of life. Secondly, the traditional Jewish mourning practices speak to us movingly and meaningfully about the Jewish philosophy of life. We should study and learn these lessons and integrate them into our own views of life. Finally, this booklet is about both mourning and condolence. This duality recognizes the fact that the death of a member of our community calls forth action, response and obligation, not merely from the immediate family, but also from the friends, Havurah and community at large, all of whom have vitally important roles to play in the process of supporting the bereaved. It is hoped that this booklet will furnish all of us with sufficient knowledge to feel confident and comfortable in carrying out our condolence mitzvot.
Considerations Any discussion of Jewish condolence practices might appropriately begin with the closely related traditions concerning relationships with the sick. 1. Visiting the Sick: In traditional Judaism, the visiting
of the sick (bikur holim) has always been regarded as a very important community
obligation. This obligation relates not only to visiting close friends or family
members who are ill, but is a general community obligation regardless of the
exis-tence or degree of prior personal relationship. 2. Problems of Terminal Illness: When a patient is not only ill,
but terminally ill, all the problems of everyone involved obviously become intensified.
The patient himself is in a unique state. The family is greatly affected by
the distress of the impending loss. Moreover, the visitor is burdened with the
knowledge of the forthcoming loss, and the concern that comes from not knowing
how to act or what to say. We should note that, while no firm rules can be expressed,
our general experience can provide guides for conduct in these situations. The
seriously ill patient is generally more able to control the course of conversation
than we commonly believe. Patients typically know the gravity of their illnesses,
either because they have been told, or because they can surmise the facts from
the actions and statements of those around them. However, patients differ in
their readiness to discuss these matters openly. Most studies indicate that
it is best to let the patient take the lead, and the visitor should be ready
to discuss or ignore the situation as the patient seems to call for. However,
such respect for the patient's own right to deal with the situation on the patient's
terms should not be twisted into a conspiracy of lying to the patient. The patient's
last days have a special meaning and value which is incompatible with surrounding
him with a facade of deception. 3. Conversations with the Terminally
iII: One good way to initiate conversations
with the patient is simply to ask the patient how he is feeling today. The patient
can respond at any level he wishes to discuss, and the visitor can readily follow
that lead. Many visitors shy away from making visits to terminally ill patients
because of fear of accidentally saying something which will suddenly upset the
patient or make the patient realize the gravity of his situation. We should
be aware that natural psychological defense mechanisms will tend to insulate
the patient from any such shock. Patients who are not capable of dealing openly
with the fact of their impending death very likely block out even straightforward
attempts to give them that information. Most health practitioners agree that
terminally ill patients are a good deal stronger psychologically than most of
us assume. On the whole it is far more cruel to deprive the patient of important
human contact at this time than to risk the rare instance in which a visitor's
well-meaning comment might result in some disturbance to the patient. 4. Helping the Family: One contemporary aspect of terminal
illness which perhaps calls for a change in traditional focus is the fact that
nowadays terminally ill patients are often subject to powerful medication and
around-the-clock medical atten-tion. This often puts the patient in a state
of being almost beyond the ability to be helped by even the most well-meaning
of visitors. At the same time, the patient's family is often ignored, although
it is frequently in a great deal of distress. Today, therefore, we should see
our obligation of visiting the sick as extended to visiting also with the family
of the terminally ill. In doing so, we should bear in mind certain natural psychological
consequences to the family of a terminally ill patient. Family members are not
only grief-stricken but are often struck by (and at the same time horrified
by the fact that they have) various feelings of guilt or anger about the terminally
ill patient. The family naturally feels some ambivalence about the period of
terminal illness, with its attendant and seemingly meaningless pain, suffering
and expense. While the visitor is not expected to be a therapist, the visitor's
awareness of these common psychological pressures and a willingness to give
an understanding ear to the concerns that may be expressed by the family can
be important to the family in helping them understand that their feelings are
normal and natural, and not inappropriate or disloyal. If a family is in significant
distress at this time, it would be a wonderful thing for a visitor who has any
influence with them to have them seek professional psychological help. Crisis
intervention counseling can be extremely important, especially as it may help
the family maintain its ability to interact fully with each other and with the
patient during this important time. A call to the VBS Counseling Center can
bring help in such a situation. Arrangements An area of lifetime consideration
which should not be left until the stage of terminal illness is purchasing,
in advance of need, a burial plot, and perhaps also funeral services. Such advance
arrangements provide several advantages. Most important, perhaps, is to free
the surviving family from the distressing burdens of making those decisions
at their time of grief. Making one's own advance arrangements allows each individual
to exercise his or her own judgments about these matters, rather than forcing
the family later to guess what would have been desired. Advance arrangements
permit a family to make a collective decision, perhaps securing a group of family
burial plots. Finally, there may be significant economic advantages to making
advance arrangements. Burial plots or funeral services can be obtained at present
prices, often at a substantial discount over prices in effect in later years.
An installment payment plan may be available which permits easy budgeting for
the purchase. The family will also be freed from the economic burden of providing
funds later.
Condolence A.Who Are the "Mourners" Under Jewish Law? Turning now to the questions of
actual mourning and condolence, the first issue is to distinguish between the
small family group of mourners and the larger community whose task it is to
console and support them. B.The
Immediate Decisions Required Upon A Death Jewish tradition recognizes that
the mourners im-mediately after the death (an "Onen") are in a condition
of great emotional distress and shock - so much so that they are excused from
all personal, religious and community obligations. Their only duty during the
period between the death and the funeral is to make the burial and funeral arrangements. 1. Notifications: One of the first matters to be taken
care of is to begin the process of notifying the community. This is mandated
by our tradition's insistence that both the mourners and the community at large
have important roles to play in connection with the death. (a) The Synagogue: A single call
to the Valley Beth Shalom office will serve many functions. The Rabbis and Pararabbinics
will be notified so that they can be available to help. The synagogue office
will also thereby be able to serve as a community information source. Synagogue
members often call the synagogue office to verify information about reported
deaths. (b) The Funeral Director: As detailed
below, engag-ing a Jewish funeral director is another important first step,
which will lead to much helpful information and assistance. In this connection,
many families have found that it is very important before reaching decisions
about the funeral to have the independent counsel and assistance of someone
knowledgeable about authentic Jewish tradi-tion and contemporary funeral practices.
VBS offers its members the coordinated assistance of our Rabbis, Ritual Director
and especially trained Pararabbinics for this purpose. They should be consulted
immediately. (c) Friends and Relatives: Notifying
friends or relatives can often be a burdensome task. The Havurah or other close
friends should volunteer to make these calls. Obviously, it will be helpful
if the time and place of the funeral arrangements have been worked out first,
so that all of the information can be given at one time. Especially where there
is no prior personal relationship between the caller and the party being notified,
these calls should be kept brief and simple, and extensive discussion about
the deceased's medical history and the emotional or financial state of the family
should be avoided. The basic information could be given as follows: "I'm
afraid I have some sad information about the __________ family. __________ died
on __________ (day). The cause of death was __________. The funeral will be
held on __________ at __________. Depending on the nature of the response, it
may also be appropriate for the caller to indicate that the family is being
cared for by close friends or relatives so that general visiting at the house
before the funeral would not be appropriate; or what, if any, foods would be
welcome at the house after the funeral; or the telephone number where additional
information can be obtained later. (d) Attorney: The decedent's attorney
should also be contacted promptly. The attorney may have information about burial
instructions or other Will provisions, and can answer any initial questions
about probate procedures or other legal matters. 2. Care of the Body Until the Funeral: (a) The Funeral Director: The funeral
director will arrange to call for the body at the home or the hospital and to
care for the body until the funeral. The Jewish funeral director is also an
important source of help and information concerning state and local legal requirements
and the available choices regarding coffins and cemeteries. Funeral directors
should not, however, be relied upon to determine questions of religious law
or authentic tradi-tion; such questions should be referred to the synagogue's
Rabbis or Pararabbinics. (b) Making the Decisions: It is
important to recognize that the family of the deceased is often in a state of
shock and confusion immediately after the death. Besides the shock, common immediate
psychological reactions to the death of a loved one often include strong feelings
of denial, guilt, and anger, which themselves are often suppressed and denied.
This is obviously not a good time to make substantial economic decisions regarding
the funeral. Thus, one of the most important services which a close friend or
relative can render is to accompany and counsel the family regarding the purchase
of mortuary and cemetery services. (c) Preparation of the Body: Included
among the services performed by the funeral director during this initial period
is to see to the ritual preparation of the body for burial. The body is ritually
washed in a rite of purification ("Taharah") and clothed in linen
burial shrouds and a Talit (but with one of the Tzitzit - corner fringes - cut
off to signify that the deceased is no longer subject to the mitzvot obligations).
The body is not dressed in formal or favorite clothes, and is not made up cosmetically.
The purpose of dressing in the traditional burial shroud is to recognize that
finally all distinctions between rich and poor, fortunate and unfortunate, are
obliterated in the common end of mankind. Fancy clothes and cosmetics are an
unhealthy attempt to deny the reality of death and are a religiously improper
attempt to glorify the lifeless corpse. Instead, we should reserve attention
and concern for the spirit, soul, life and influence of the deceased, which
was the essence of the deceased's humanity -- and divinity. The body should be attended at all
times, as a mark of respect for the deceased and a recognition of the deceased's
utterly helpless state. The immediate family may want to spend some time in
the presence of the body; at other times a watcher ("Shomer") should
be in attendance. However, it is not generally regarded as ritually appropriate
or psychologically sound for friends to visit at or spend the night at the funeral
home. 3. Autopsy: Conservative Judaism does not generally
approve of autopsies, or of providing cadavers for general medical teaching
or experimentation. These actions are incompatible with Judaism's insistence
upon reverence for the human body as having been the receptacle of the divine
soul. Of course, Jewish law permits a medical autopsy when absolutely required
by applicable civil law. (In California, the County Coroner's Office has the
authority to order an autopsy when necessary to determine the cause of death.)
A voluntary autopsy may also be appropriate if it is medically significant,
for example, to learn about health conditions which could have impli-cations
for the rest of the family or for persons suffering from similar conditions.
Judaism judges such matters under the standard of the general overriding obligation
to save lives. However, it should be emphasized that questions regarding autopsy
should not be resolved solely by the family or medical authorities. The Rabbi
should be consulted on all such issues. 4. Donation of Body Organs: It is important to recognize that
many of the Jewish traditions about burial arose during the post-biblical period
in connection with the belief in the physical resurrection of the dead. This
belief required great concern for accounting for all body parts and organs.
Today, most Jews instead focus their concerns in this area upon respect for
the deceased as being a helpless and dependent member of society, and for the
human body as having been the receptacle of the divine soul. Moreover, Jewish
values give precedence to the saving of lives. Therefore, the donation of body
tissues or organs for the purpose of saving the lives or health of others is
not objectionable on religious grounds to most Jews today. However, it is still
important to insist that the body be treated with the utmost respect, and that
all unused tissue, blood and organs be returned for burial with the body. 5. Coffin: The traditional Jewish coffin is
a simple and plain wooden coffin, made of pine or other readily available wood.
Wood is used because it permits the coffin to decompose at generally the same
rate as the body and its linen shroud, permitting all to return to the earth.
However, metal handles, hinges, screws or nails are permissible. Fastening the
coffin with wooden pegs instead of nails or screws is not required by contemporary
practice. 6. Burial or Cremation: The Jewish way is burial in the
ground. This tradition expresses thousands of years of deeply-felt opposition
to unhealthy and unnatural worship of the dead. It is a solemn recognition that
without the spark of divine soul and human intelligence, the body is simply
a part of nature, which must be allowed to be subject to the universal natural
processes of decay and return to the dust of the earth. No "modern"
views of ecological or personal taste considerations may be permitted to override
this central tenet of Jewish ritual belief. Although entombment above the ground
is not uncommon in recent years, it is generally agreed that burial in the ground
remains truer to the tradition. Moreover, em- balming processes are permitted
only if necessary to preserve the body until the burial. 7. Time of Funeral: As a mark of honor to the deceased
and perhaps also as an appropriate response to the psychological needs of the
family, the funeral is traditionally held as soon as possible. Although in earliest
times the funeral was held on the day of the death, it is now appropriate to
allow a day or two delay in order to permit distant family and friends to attend.
The funeral must be scheduled with some care. Funerals are not permissible on
Shabbat or certain holidays. Moreover, the Rabbis may have conflicting obligations
and are not available at all times. Thus, the scheduling of the funeral should
always be confirmed in advance with the Rabbis. 8. Funeral Services: Traditional Jewish funeral services
follow the dual principles of respect for the deceased but avoidance of any
improper worship of the body. The coffin is not to be open at any time, as the
dead body is no longer able to participate in social interaction. It is wrong
to display the body as a "thing" to be observed. C.The Roles Of The Mourners And The Community During The Time Between The Death And The
Funeral The time between the death and the
funeral is the time for making the immediate arrangements discussed above. This
time period is to be kept as short as practicable, consistent with permitting
the family and friends to attend the funeral. D.The Basic
Elements Of The Funeral Service 1. Who Attends: The funeral service has the double
function of honor to the deceased and honor to the bereaved. Thus it should
be attended by friends of either the deceased or the mourning family. Children
should not be shielded from this experience and from their own grief. The funeral
service is an important commentary on the Jewish view of life, as well as death,
and children should not be kept ignorant of this part of their tradition. If
there are any questions about the role for any particular child, the officiating
Rabbi should be consulted. 2. Funeral Service: Under the direction of the Rabbi
officiating, there is a funeral service, at which it is customary to recite
a Psalm, read a passage from the Scriptures, and chant the memorial prayer,
El Moleh Rachamim. Although this service is typically held at the chapel adjacent
to the burial grounds, this is not required, and the prayer service can be held
at the gravesite. 3. Seating: In some localities a custom has
arisen to have the family separated from those attending the service by seating
the family in a curtained-off alcove. This practice is probably supposed to
permit the family to cry or otherwise express their grief out of the view of
the congregation. However, it is clearly wrong to make the family or the community
feel that crying or other natural expressions of grief are shameful or must
be stifled. The practice of hiding or segregating the mourners is not a traditional
Jewish one, and it is preferable if the family is simply seated in the first
pews of the chapel during the service. It is not, however, appropriate for those
attending to use this occasion to attempt to greet or comfort the mourners until
after the funeral and burial. 4. Coffin: The prayer service is held in the
presence of the coffin, although the coffin should be closed at all times, and
unadorned by flowers or other decorations. VBS can furnish its members an appropriate
cloth covering for the coffin, if desired. 5. Eulogy: In earlier times, the giving of
a eulogy (a short speech extolling the virtues or community contributions of
the deceased) was reserved only for great scholars or other outstanding members
of the Jewish community. This practice gradually became generalized, and it
is currently customary in all cases to have some words stated in praise of the
positive qualities or accomplishments of the deceased. The eulogy should in
all cases be kept within reasonable bounds of time and extent of praise, and
the omission of any eulogy is certainly preferable to one which is embarrassingly
immodest, effusive or untrue. In advance of the funeral service the officiating
Rabbi will meet with the family to discuss themes and ideas to incorporate into
the eulogy. 6. Music: The service is often enhanced by
having the Cantor sing the traditional memorial prayer, El Moleh Racha-mim.
Other possible cantonal selections could be arranged with the Rabbi and Cantor.
Organ, piano or violin accompaniment is not traditionally used. 7. Pallbearing: It is traditional to name six or
eight people (not the immediate mourners) who were close to the decedent to
serve as the actual pallbearers, to help carry the coffin from the services
to the gravesite. In some cases, physical strength is necessary for some portions
of this duty. Honorary pallbearers may also be announced if there are more than
six or eight who should share the honor of being named, or for those too young,
old or physically infirm to actually assist. 8. Gravesite Service: After the prayer service at the
chapel, those attending file out and proceed to the gravesite. The coffin is
taken there by hearse or cart, with the family accompanying. The pallbearers
then carry the coffin to the gravesite. At the gravesite, the Rabbi leads the
balance of the prayer service, which generally consists of Keriah (tearing clothing),
El Moleh Rachamim, and the mourners' recitation of the Kaddish. (a) Keriah (Tearing Clothing): The
ceremony of Keriah --the rending (tearing) of clothing by the mourners -- symbolizes
their grief and loss, and is probably an institutionalized substitute for the
primitive custom of physical self-mutilation of skin, hair or clothing. Ori-ginally,
the Keriah practice took the form of tearing an article of clothing (on the
left side for a parent; or on the right side for others). More recently a practice
has developed of cutting a small black ribbon, which can then be worn attached
to the clothing. By following the original practice of actually tearing an article
of clothing, mourners might have a better feeling of authenticity and connection
with a cherished tradition of the past. In either event, the Rabbi officiates
at the actual tearing or cutting. (b) Kaddish: It has often been commented
upon that the mourners' Kaddish prayer contains no reference to death; it is
a prayer of praise and sanctification of God. The spirit of the prayer is one
of almost defiant declaration of faith: that despite the tragedy of the loss,
the mourners still publicly declare their steadfast belief in the Kingdom of
God and a world of peace and goodness. Some have seen the Kaddish as man's attempt
to console God for the diminution of God's universe resulting from the death. (c) Filling the Grave: As part of
the service the coffin is physically lowered into the grave. It is important
that this be done in the presence of the mourners. The sight of the actual interment
is important for the "letting go," and acceptance of the fact of death
without fantasy or illusion. The family and persons attending
the funeral each place some dirt into the grave, onto the coffin. This is usually
done with a shovel. Thus, each of us personally fulfills the obligation to bury
the dead. The finality of this act further expresses for all the acceptance
of the reality of the loss of the body and the termination of the prior life
relationship with the deceased. (d) Leaving the Cemetery: At the
close of the services, the mourners return to the car, to be taken to the home
at which Shivah will be observed. Those attending form two lines between which
the mourners pass on their way out of the cemetery. Now that the burial has
been concluded, the process of consoling the mourners can begin, so for the
first time the persons attending speak to the mourners, saying as they pass,
"Ha'makom yenachem et'chem b'toch shear avelei tziyon vi'Yerushalayim"
(May God comfort you together with all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem). E.The First
Meal After The Funeral The end of the funeral service and
the beginning of the formal "Shivah" period of mourning are marked
by the Seudat Havra'ah -- the Meal of Consolation. The family and those attending
the funeral service return to the home (preferably the home of the deceased
or else the closest related family member). A pitcher of water, a basin and
paper towels should be located outside the entrance so that before entering
the home, all returning from the funeral can wash their hands, by pouring water
from the pitcher. The washing may signify the transition from the funeral, with
its focus upon the deceased, to the mourning period, with its focus upon consolation
for the family. The first act of that consolation
is the Meal of Consolation, shared by all who return from the funeral service.
This meal should not be prepared, or even procured, by the mourners. Instead,
under our tradition, neighbors and friends should furnish this meal (and all
other meals of the Shivah period). Currently it would be highly appropriate
for the Havurah (or other friends) to make these arrangements. The VBS Sisterhood
should be contacted for assistance in preparation of the food if it is not able
to be furnished by family and friends. The purpose of the first meal is
to ritualize the obligation for the living survivors to carry on with their
lives, however deep the loss. Unlike a "wake" or other practices of
some other religions, the meal is not a celebration. There is no host or hostess,
and it is not a party. It is not intended to celebrate the deceased or to cheer
up the mourners, but rather to bring the gentle pressure of the community to
encourage the mourners to begin their long and difficult re-entry into normal
society. There are no special prayers said as part of this meal. Hard-boiled
eggs are traditionally part of the food, probably to symbolize life, wholeness
and continuity. The balance of the meal today typically is baked goods and other
foods, served buffet style. Some families follow the tradition of serving a
dairy meal. The initial portion of the formal
mourning period is called 'Shivah" (Hebrew: "seven"), and is
essentially a period of approximately seven days from the day of the funeral,
which is set aside for intensive mourning by the family. It is also the period
which marks the beginnings of the mourners' gradual return to society. 1. Roles of the Mourners and Visitors:
People observe Shivah ("sit" Shivah) at a designated house (usually
the house of the decedent, or otherwise the closest related mourner). The mourners
stay there (except for leaving at night to sleep at their own homes, where necessary),
and the community pays condolence visits and also attends morning and evening
prayer services there. Unlike the funeral, the essence
of the Shivah is not to pay honor to the deceased, but to give comfort and assistance
to the mourners. The mourners are required by the situation to receive visits
from caring and loving friends and acquaintances, whose presence helps to strengthen
the mourners and to re-establish their connection with society. The visitor is not supposed to take
the initiative in conversing with the mourners, but to let the mere fact of
the visitor's presence provide the comfort of human companionship and compassion.
Instead of the typical greetings ("How are you" or "Shalom"
are both obviously inappropriate), the visitor need not initiate any greeting
whatsoever. This was the early tradition, especially during the first three
days of the Shivah period. However, if the relationship warrants it, the visitor
can approach the mourners to express by a hug or a few words the visitor's feelings
of sorrow. The visitor should follow the mourner's lead in conversation, understanding
that the process does not call for attempting to "cheer up" the mourners,
or distract them from their grief. The mourners often want to talk
about and hear stories about the deceased and the deceased's influence on those
present. This marks the important second part of the mourning process. In the
first part, "letting go," we give up the defense mechanism of denial,
and accept the reality of death. In the second part, "holding on,"
we incorporate into our lives the memories and positive influences of the decedent. Visitors, especially if they were
close to the decedent or the mourners, or if they live conveniently near the
home, may return each day of the Shivah to help make up the minyan for the morning
and evening services. Again, it would be especially appropriate for the Havurah
to undertake this as part of their special relationship. Books for these services
will be provided by VBS. The Rabbi, Ritual Director and Pararabbinics are available
to help the minyan participate in the service. 2. The Psychology of Shivah: It
is important to understand the development of the mourning process during the
Shivah period. The period is properly one of transition. According to modern
psychological studies, the few days immediately following the death (especially
where the death was sudden and unexpected or the family was psychologically
unprepared) are ones of shock, denial and numbness. (In Jewish tradition, one
should not even attempt to comfort the mourner until after the burial and funeral,
and thereafter the first 3 days of Shivah are assumed to be of the most intense
sort of grief.) Psychologists note that this initial period of several days
of shock is followed by a period of acute and intensive mourning which generally
gradually diminishes over approximately three to six months (or longer, in some
cases). Their studies further show that this is followed by a period of re-adjustment
and return to normalcy, which often lasts the remainder of the first year (or
longer, in some cases) following the death. It is remarkable how the ancient
Jewish traditions of mourning correspond to these most modern psychological
insights into grief and the mourning processes. Progress in this transition of grieving
does not occur in a straight line, however. Most describe it as recurring waves
of deep feelings, interspersed with ever-lengthening periods of "normal"
thoughts and behavior. However, just as the visitor must not expect the Shivah
period to be a seven-day period of continuous and unremitting solemnity, so
also the visitor should not trivialize the occasion by converting the condolence
call into a cocktail party-type of social event at which discussions of business
and current events and gossip are all allowed. The visitor at the home of the
Shivah observance is not there to entertain or to be entertained. Only if vulgarity
and thoughtlessness are avoided, can the visitor's presence fulfill its historic
and important function of consoling and strengthening the mourners. 3. Time Period: The period of the
Shivah is not exactly seven days. Although the funeral is usually held in late
morning, the day of the funeral counts as a full day. The "second"
day starts at sundown of the day of the funeral, and the morning of the seventh
day (rather than waiting until the evening) completes the regular Shivah period.
For example, if the funeral were held at noon on a Monday the regular Shivah
period would conclude after the morning services on the following Sunday. Although
public mourning practices are not observed on the Shabbat, it counts as one
day of the Shivah period. 4. Mourners' Activities: During
the Shivah period, the mourners are expected to ignore their normal social and
business activities and obligations, in order to devote themselves fully to
the business of mourning. The mourners are excused from all work. (In cases
of genuine economic hardship or medical or public service re-sponsibilities,
some exceptions are possible, especially after the first three days, but these
should be discussed with the Rabbi.) 5. Candle: Traditionally, a 7-day
candle is lit upon the return from the funeral and kept burning during Shivah.
The candle flame is thought to symbolize the everlasting influence of the soul
of the deceased. 6. Gifts: Visitors should not bring
or send flowers, candy or liquor to the home. Instead, the appropriate way of
expressing such feelings is for the visitor to make a contribution to a charity
in which the deceased or the mourners have been interested. Bringing food for
the mourners is appropriate, but individual efforts in this area should be coordinated
so that there is no waste or excess. 7. Shabbat: Unlike other festival
days, Shabbat does not shorten the Shivah period. However, public mourning observances
are suspended on Shabbat, and there are no prayer services held at the home.
The community does not pay condolence calls. On the other hand, private mourning
continues. The mourners attend Shabbat services at the synagogue. Following the Jewish traditional
scheme of gradual transitional periods for mourning (which closely parallels
modern psychological studies of the grief process), the balance of the 30-day
period from the funeral which remains after the conclusion of Shivah is a period
of reduced mourning, called "Sheloshim" (Hebrew: "thirty").
Although the mourner returns to work at the end of the Shivah, the restrictions
against attending celebrations, entertainment events or listening to music continue
for the balance of Sheloshim. For Deceased Parents We have already noted how the rending
of garments is performed differently for parents (when it is done of the left
side -- closer to the heart). Traditionally, the general Shivah prohibition
against shaving was extended into the Sheloshim period for parents. I.The
Customs Of Later Remembrance. Even after the conclusion of the formal mourning periods, Judaism recognizes in many ways the reality and permanence of the mourner's loss. 1. Tombstone: Just as with other
elements of the burial ceremonies, the tombstone should not become an instance
of elaborate ostentation. It should bear a simple inscription of the name and
date of death. It is appropriate to erect the stone no sooner than 30 days and
up to 12 months after the death. It is currently customary for the family to
gather for an "unveiling" ceremony for this purpose near the first
anniversary after the death. This can be an occasion for the family to share
their remembrances, and does not require the presence of a rabbi or cantor. 2. Yahrzeit: The anniversary of the death is commemorated each year by Yahrzeit, a day of prayer and remembrance. The
mourner recites the Mourners' Kaddish at services. A 24-hour candle is also
lit in the home (beginning on the evening before the Yahrzeit day). 3. Yizkor: A special memorial ("Yiskor")
service is held at the Synagogue on the eighth day of Pesach, the second day
of Shavuot, the eighth day of Succot, and on Yom Kippur. Those who have lost
a parent, sibling, child, or spouse participate in this service. At VBS, as
in most Synagogues, the entire congregation likewise parti-cipates in the Yizkor
services, which speak meaningfully about the condition of life to all of us,
and not just to the mourners. 4. Naming a Child: It is traditional
to name a child after a deceased relative in order to perpetuate the memory
and to express hope that the positive qualities of the deceased find expression
in the child's life. The Sephardic practice, however, is to name a child after
a living relative.
Part 4-The
Psychology, Law and Jewish Philosophy of Mourning A.The
Psychological Stages Of Mourning 1. The Mourning Process: This booklet
has pre-viously detailed the various psychological phases that the close family
of the deceased must pass through as part of the mourning process. Essentially,
mourning is a process of re-entry, re-identification and re- establishment of
a relationship with a world and a self left so greatly altered by the loss of
the deceased. Although individual reactions obviously will differ in different
cases, sociological and psychological studies have been able to establish certain
typical stages through which people generally pass in their mourning. Initially,
there is generally a numbness, paralysis or shock, especially in those cases
where there has been a lack of psychological preparation for the death. As the
capacity to think and feel is gradually restored, the mourner often feels a
whole range of sometimes shocking or embarrassing feelings, such as anger towards
the deceased, guilt for real or imagined wrongs done towards the deceased, outrage,
panic, despair or self-pity. What is important for the mourner and those trying
to console the mourner to realize is that these initial feelings are natural
and normal. The mourner should not be made to feel that he should "snap
out of it" or that it is somehow wrong to feel the guilt and anger which
are so typically a part of the mourning process. (As has been pointed out, Jewish
mourning customs recognize and accommodate these feelings.) 2. Relationships Within the Family:
One aspect of the mourning process which is very often ignored is the effect
on the psychological inter-relationships among the mourning family members.
Mourning is often described by surviving family members as a uniquely personal
and solitary experience. Upon the death of a child, parents frequently state
that however fine and close their marital relationship was, they were struck
by how individual their mourning responses had to be, and how disappointed they
were when they looked to the other spouse for substantial assistance in the
mourning process. Each parent apparently finds that he or she must mourn for
the child alone, and cannot look to the other for the kind of help they may
have presumed would be there. 3. Relationships With the Community:
Once past the initial intense mourning of the Shivah period, the mourners often
find that their relationships with outside members of the community have undergone
substantial change. Very often friends or family members feel they cannot re-establish
normal relationships with the mour-ners either because the friends themselves
have intense mourning and grieving which is too disturbing, or because of a
general awkwardness or feeling of fear that they will be saying the wrong thing
and upset the mourner. 4. Excessive Mourning: There will,
of course, be individual differences in mourning experiences and the timing
and pacing of different stages and phases of mourning. However, it remains necessary
for the family and supporting friends to be alert to the general danger signals
of any mourning which becomes excessively intense, lasts too long, or does not
go through the normal stages of gradual re-establishment of some normal rela-
tionships. In such cases, or for any other reasons where there is a question
as to the psychological appropriateness of a mourner's condition, people should
not hesitate to consult or to advise consultation with professional help. Sources
of that help could be a psychologist or psy-chiatrist, the VBS Counseling Center,
or special community groups designed to help persons in this situation. B.The
Jewish Response To The Questions Of Mourning If there is one single universal reaction to the fact of a death, it is the question "Why?" Why did this person die? Why did this thing happen to me? Why has the decedent been punished? Why am I being punished? Obviously, a full response to these questions would require a religious treatise of great depth. A booklet such as this can only make a few isolated observations. Many Jews have great difficulty in accepting as God's will the death of an innocent or good person, or the untimely death of a young adult or an innocent child. The response of some, regrettably, is to lose all faith in God and all fidelity to our religion. Many others, however, see the impossibility of adequate response to such a question not as a cause for disbelief in God, but as a basis for concluding that the question must be wrong. The question of how could God permit such an injustice presupposes God's active decision and involvement in a particular death. Some Jews can accept the process of death as an extension of the impersonal processes of nature. Accident and circumstance, however horrid their consequences, do not disprove God; they may only suggest a different conception of God. Some Jews feel that if God were assigned a role in everyday events such as individual deaths, this could be done only at the cost of believing in a system in which God had personal responsibility for every detail of human choice. This, in turn, leads to the denial of human responsibility and free will, with the result that humans would lose their special status as creatures of intelligence and choosing, and be reduced to the level of irresponsible things. If death is seen instead as the consequence of natural processes, human actions and circumstance, then man's role as a choosing and socially responsible being is preserved. Other Jews respond to the challenge of the questions which death raises simply by accepting the fact that human understanding is not adequate to the task of dealing with these issues. Such Jews are able to gain comfort and strength by focusing not on the unanswerable questions, but rather upon those things which we know: We know that the deceased lived. We know that the deceased brought to the lives of others around him and to the world a certain unique personality which touched and changed all those with whom the deceased came in contact. We know that the only way to overcome or minimize the injustice of the deceased's death is to take upon ourselves the holy task of furthering those finest principles and qualities of the deceased, by incorporating them into our lives and actions. We know that to the extent the deceased had contact with us and changed us, the death of the deceased does not have the finality and inevitability of merely a cessation of biological life. In all of this, the network of Jewish mourning and condolence customs is an extremely important matrix which satisfies the psychological, philosophical and material needs of the mourner and provides many bridges for returning the mourner to society. To understand the philosophical depth of Jewish mourning practices is to understand the dual role of the mourner and the com-munity, mourning and consoling, receiving and giving support. Out of the collective historical Jewish experience has come an important philosophy of death which is a part of the overall Jewish philosophy of life. Death is part of life. Death is not merely a private experience for those intimately related to the deceased, but is a community loss, with community consequences and communal obligations upon us all to come to the assistance of the deceased and the mourners. The Jewish system of mourning and
condolence customs, despite its ancient sources, parallels remarkably the scheduling
of psychological needs as detailed by the latest scientific studies. The Jewish
system of beliefs and practices should be seen not as some archaic and irrelevant
remnant of history, but as a basic and authentic response system from which
we can individually draw strength and gain real support. Most of our negative reactions toward contemporary mourning and condolence customs are not directed towards authentic Jewish customs and beliefs. Rather, our modern discomfort is due to the distortions of various unrelated elements of Jewish, secular and Christian customs which modern Jews unquestioningly accept, solely from lack of authentic knowledge. It is hoped that this booklet and the inquiries and study which it may engender will cause all of us to demand of ourselves and the community higher standards of mourning and condolence. In this way we can put an end to those wholly unsatisfactory aspects of contemporary culture such as the opulent funeral, the failures to observe, and the blind, ritualistic observance of actions without philosophical content. If we join together, these wrong practices can be rooted out, and more importantly, can be replaced by a revitalized system of authentic Jewish observances appropriately adapted to contemporary needs and conditions. Valley Beth Shalom pledges itself to furnish every possible assistance to all our members in this sacred and vital task. |
