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A Guide to Jewish Mourning and Condolence

Jerome A. Rabow Copyright, 1982, Valley Beth Shalom

    Index
  1. Preface
  2. Rabbinical Foreword
  3. Part 1-Introduction
  4. Part 2-Lifetime Considerations
  5. Part 3-Mourning and Condolence
  6. Part 4-The Psychology, Law and Jewish Philosophy of Mourning

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Preface
This booklet was prepared for its members by Valley Beth Shalom Synagogue, 15739 Ventura Boulevard, Encino, California, 91436. Project planning and manu-script editing assistance was provided by Ronald Blanc and Alan Shulman (members of the VBS Pararabbinic project) and Lola Rabow and Jeanie Blanc (members of the VBS Paraprofessional Counseling project). The manuscript was also reviewed for the VBS Counseling Center by Charlotte Samuels and Barbara Braun. Rabbi Harold M. Schulweis and Rabbi Frederic Margulies served as advisers for the entire project, participating in overall planning and reviewing drafts of the manuscript.

Graphic services were donated by Bill Wallen. Howard Sheldon donated the printing services. The entire publication of the booklet was made possible by a generous grant from the VBS Counseling Center.

Many individuals graciously shared with us memories of their personal mourning experiences, and provided us with both specific information and general encourage-ment. This booklet is dedicated to them and to all the families with whom we share the pain, the dignity and ultimately the mutually uplifting experience of Jewish mourning.

Jerome A. Rabow

Rabbinical Foreword
There are events which turn the simplest Jew into a theologian. There are private holocausts so powerful that they shake the very foundations of his being. Two searing words escape from within him: Why me? Those two words carry a world of presuppositions, expectations and feelings. They must be respected, unravelled and explored. Regrettably the hour of the funeral is not the appropriate moment for philosophy. The mourner is too numbed and confused for theological discussion. The rabbis counsel, "Do not seek to restrain him in the hour of his anger. Do not attempt to comfort him while his dead lies before him. Do not question him in the hour of his vow." More than theology, he needs an arm around his shoulders, the presence of comforters, the support of his community.
The time to understand the practice and theory of the ritual of mourning and the Jewish wisdom of consolation is when the mind and heart are more tranquil. These are the moments in which to prepare oneself for that which is inevitable, irrevocable and which ought not break our spirit.
We are indebted to Jerry Rabow for having skillfully assimilated the wisdom of our tradition, combined them with valuable data from secular and religious sources, and presented them with great sensitivity. Facing terminal sickness and death calls for courage, patience, understanding and faith. A spiritual gyroscope is needed to help us navigate the turbulent waters and orient us toward mature living. This booklet is a wise and benevolent guide.
Judaism is governed by two principles: the reality principle and the ideality principle. The world as it is must not be falsified. The world as it ought to be must not be ignored. Both principles inform the Jewish attitude towards death. A striking passage in the Talmud A vodah Zarah (54b) observes that it would be just if stolen seeds would not sprout or if women violated would not become pregnant -- but "nature pursues its own course." That is the reality principle in Judaism. Stones are sharp and cliffs are steep and steel bullets pierce the body. The world is not magically moral. Accidents and disease are real, and reality is not of itself moral. God created the universe but the universe is not divine. God created the human being in the image of divinity but the human being is not God. Sickness and death are not the judgments of a punishing God nor are they the rewards of an inscrutable Deity. They are the ways of the world, the way that nature pursues its own course.
The ideality principle in Judaism knows the incom-pleteness of the world and the imperatives to repair its broken vessels, to protect the innocent and strengthen and sanctify society. God is in the lengthening of life, in the healing of the sick, in loosening the bond, in comforting the bereaved.
The rituals which surround the mourning process provide the mourner with a language of the heart enabling him to express his sorrow, anger and ultimately his reconciliation with death. They are the language of our people which we appropriate to speak our anguish and hope. We share it with all who mourn and are comforted in the knowledge that we are not alone. May this guide help us find the strength of character within us to live with meaning and sanctify His name.
Harold M. Schulweis

No studies at the Seminary, no course in death and dying, could have prepared me for what I came to see and live as a rabbi in contact with death. Nothing I could have read would have taught me how to hold the hand of a forty-year-old father dying of cancer. Nothing could have stopped my stomach from turning at the apparent injustice of it all. No studies can tell the rabbi how to keep his mind from coming apart in the face of the tragic death of a child. Ultimately, everyone is unprepared for death.
So how do we at least try to deal with death? How, according to our tradition, do we care for the dead? How do we bury the dead? How do we console the mourners? How can we be of help? Does Judaism have something to say about these issues concerning death? The answer, of course, is yes.
Jerry Rabow has ventured, with the assistance of two Paraprofessionals, his wife Lola and Jeanie Blanc, two Pararabbinics, Ron Blanc and Alan Shulman, and Rabbi Schulweis and myself, to show the Jewish attitude towards these matters and how each of us can be better prepared for our encounters with death: as a friend offering consolation, as a family member making funeral preparations, as a mourner. Many of the issues discussed in this booklet will help each of us face our own death, and therefore our life, with better clarity.
Our tradition teaches us that anything we do in helping with someone's burial is an act of "chesed," of loving-kindness. It is the one thing we do for someone else for which, they cannot thank us. It becomes an expression of our own humanity and of our love for that person.
Freud has taught us, in essence, that the good life is one that is filled with meaning through the lasting, sustaining, mutually gratifying relationships we are able to establish with those we love, and through the satisfac-tion we derive from knowing that we are engaged in work that helps us and others to have a better life. A good life does not deny its real and often painful difficulties; rather, it is a life in which our hardships are not permitted to engulf us in despair. Judaism helps us through the process of death and separation so that we can continue with the process of life, enriched by our relationships with others: those whom we carry in memory and those with whom we are still creating memories.
Our hope is that you will read this booklet when you do not need it. Read it now, discuss it with your family, your Havurah, with the Pararabbinics, with the rabbis. Familiarize yourself with its contents so that Jewish tradition can become a part of you and your life. This booklet will help you to understand our tradition, to face the trials of death better informed, better prepared and better able to cope. We are grateful to Jerry Rabow for the work and time he put into preparing this valuable resource for us.
Frederic Margulies


Part I - Introduction

A.Goals Of This Booklet

1. Multi-disciplinary Approach:

The booklet will attempt to approach this complex area on a multi-disciplinary basis. We try to provide basic answers to some legal questions which arise in death and mourning. Some of the important financial information about funeral arrangements is also discussed. We try to be sensitive to the psychological aspects of mourning and condolence, from the point of view of both the bereaved family and the friends and community. Most importantly, we attempt to describe authentic traditional Jewish standards, while also exploring some possible adaptations to contemporary circumstances.
This booklet will fulfill its most important goal if these discussions help lead to the development of contemporary standards for mourning and condolence which are appropriate and meaningful for family, friends, Havurot, and our synagogue community in general.

2. Necessary Advice:

It is important to understand that this booklet is neither intended as, nor constitutes, an official, authori-tative statement of Conservative Judaism or of policies adopted or approved by Valley Beth Shalom or its Rabbis. VBS members are urged to consult with the appropriate authorities available to them through the synagogue as part of the proper use of this booklet. Religious questions can only receive authentic and authoritative responses with the help of the Rabbis, as assisted by the synagogue's Ritual Director and Pararabbinics. Psychological issues can be extremely important, and the professional assistance of a psychiatrist, psychologist, family doctor or a VBS Paraprofessional Counselor can be an important step in the mourning and condolence process. Financial information given here obviously cannot be fully accurate or up-to-date, and the Jewish funeral director and the Valley Beth Shalom cemetery committee should be consulted for current prices. Legal issues and specific legal questions should be referred to an attorney. One way in which VBS serves its members in time of need is to provide referrals to an appropriate source of advice for any of these matters.

B.Our Attitudes About Death

Traditional Jewish attitudes about death are an integral part of overall Jewish attitudes and philosophy about life. Death has always been seen as a part of the natural process of life. Our reaction to the death--worshipping cultures of ancient Egypt has ingrained in Jews an avoidance of excessive focus upon death. For traditional Jews, the practices surrounding death, funeral and mourning are governed, as are all features of daily life, by an intricate set of detailed rules, each of which has something significant to say about the underlying philosophy of life and relationship to God and fellow man.

1. Contemporary American Problems:

In contemporary America, many Jews have lost their connection with the tradition. Searching for the rich philosophical basis of their Jewish tradition, they are often unaware of the form or meaning of many of the ritual procedures. Moreover, Jews in America have been strongly influenced by the secular and Christian doctrines and attitudes of our mass culture. Especially because so little is generally discussed in the home about traditional Jewish beliefs in this area, we and our children have grown to believe that certain secular or Christian practices are Jewish because they all seem "traditional." Indeed, many Jews are shocked to learn that Judaism does not follow practices such as viewing the corpse at the funeral, flowers and floral wreaths, and the wake or celebration of the deceased. (Our reasons for not following these practices are discussed below.

2. Development of Our Tradition:

Of course, we must keep in mind that defining the authentic Jewish tradition is not a simple task. Judaism has gone through thousands of years of challenge, response and adaptation to threats and influences of the majority cultures in which it has existed. Judaism has responded to the exigencies of the times by developing various traditions which did not have their source in biblical Judaism. Many Conservative Jews believe that it is the obligation of contemporary Jews to continue the process of adapting our authentic Jewish traditions and re-investing them with new meaning so that they fulfill their functional role of helping the mourners and the community respond to the death of one of our members.

3. Psychological Needs:

In one respect, we have an easier job in thinking about this matter than did the ancient rabbis in their attempts to interpret and develop Jewish mourning tradition. As a result of modern psychological and sociological research, we know a great deal about the psychological aspects of bereavement and mourning. We understand now that the bereaved generally have certain common needs in response to certain common pressures, and that the mourning, funeral and condolence practices of the community cannot be considered appropriate if they ignore these psychological needs. Indeed, one of the most fascinating insights derived from a study of traditional Jewish mourning practices is just how remarkably fitting, in terms of modern-day psychological understanding, the traditional Jewish practices are. Rabbis of several thousand years ago were able, simply on the basis of their general observations of human nature, to develop practices whose timing and content closely track the most recent studies of sound psychological practice in this area.

4. Changing Our Attitudes:

It is hoped that this booklet will have a significant effect upon our attitudes about death. First of all, it is important that we and our children come to accept death as a part of life, and to see the transition from life to death as an inevitable part of the process of life. Secondly, the traditional Jewish mourning practices speak to us movingly and meaningfully about the Jewish philosophy of life. We should study and learn these lessons and integrate them into our own views of life. Finally, this booklet is about both mourning and condolence. This duality recognizes the fact that the death of a member of our community calls forth action, response and obligation, not merely from the immediate family, but also from the friends, Havurah and community at large, all of whom have vitally important roles to play in the process of supporting the bereaved. It is hoped that this booklet will furnish all of us with sufficient knowledge to feel confident and comfortable in carrying out our condolence mitzvot.

Return to Index

Part II - Lifetime

Considerations

A.Terminal Illness

Any discussion of Jewish condolence practices might appropriately begin with the closely related traditions concerning relationships with the sick.

1. Visiting the Sick:

In traditional Judaism, the visiting of the sick (bikur holim) has always been regarded as a very important community obligation. This obligation relates not only to visiting close friends or family members who are ill, but is a general community obligation regardless of the exis-tence or degree of prior personal relationship.

2. Problems of Terminal Illness:

When a patient is not only ill, but terminally ill, all the problems of everyone involved obviously become intensified. The patient himself is in a unique state. The family is greatly affected by the distress of the impending loss. Moreover, the visitor is burdened with the knowledge of the forthcoming loss, and the concern that comes from not knowing how to act or what to say. We should note that, while no firm rules can be expressed, our general experience can provide guides for conduct in these situations. The seriously ill patient is generally more able to control the course of conversation than we commonly believe. Patients typically know the gravity of their illnesses, either because they have been told, or because they can surmise the facts from the actions and statements of those around them. However, patients differ in their readiness to discuss these matters openly. Most studies indicate that it is best to let the patient take the lead, and the visitor should be ready to discuss or ignore the situation as the patient seems to call for. However, such respect for the patient's own right to deal with the situation on the patient's terms should not be twisted into a conspiracy of lying to the patient. The patient's last days have a special meaning and value which is incompatible with surrounding him with a facade of deception.

3. Conversations with the Terminally iII:

One good way to initiate conversations with the patient is simply to ask the patient how he is feeling today. The patient can respond at any level he wishes to discuss, and the visitor can readily follow that lead. Many visitors shy away from making visits to terminally ill patients because of fear of accidentally saying something which will suddenly upset the patient or make the patient realize the gravity of his situation. We should be aware that natural psychological defense mechanisms will tend to insulate the patient from any such shock. Patients who are not capable of dealing openly with the fact of their impending death very likely block out even straightforward attempts to give them that information. Most health practitioners agree that terminally ill patients are a good deal stronger psychologically than most of us assume. On the whole it is far more cruel to deprive the patient of important human contact at this time than to risk the rare instance in which a visitor's well-meaning comment might result in some disturbance to the patient.

4. Helping the Family:

One contemporary aspect of terminal illness which perhaps calls for a change in traditional focus is the fact that nowadays terminally ill patients are often subject to powerful medication and around-the-clock medical atten-tion. This often puts the patient in a state of being almost beyond the ability to be helped by even the most well-meaning of visitors. At the same time, the patient's family is often ignored, although it is frequently in a great deal of distress. Today, therefore, we should see our obligation of visiting the sick as extended to visiting also with the family of the terminally ill. In doing so, we should bear in mind certain natural psychological consequences to the family of a terminally ill patient. Family members are not only grief-stricken but are often struck by (and at the same time horrified by the fact that they have) various feelings of guilt or anger about the terminally ill patient. The family naturally feels some ambivalence about the period of terminal illness, with its attendant and seemingly meaningless pain, suffering and expense. While the visitor is not expected to be a therapist, the visitor's awareness of these common psychological pressures and a willingness to give an understanding ear to the concerns that may be expressed by the family can be important to the family in helping them understand that their feelings are normal and natural, and not inappropriate or disloyal. If a family is in significant distress at this time, it would be a wonderful thing for a visitor who has any influence with them to have them seek professional psychological help. Crisis intervention counseling can be extremely important, especially as it may help the family maintain its ability to interact fully with each other and with the patient during this important time. A call to the VBS Counseling Center can bring help in such a situation.

B.Advance Funeral and Burial

Arrangements

An area of lifetime consideration which should not be left until the stage of terminal illness is purchasing, in advance of need, a burial plot, and perhaps also funeral services. Such advance arrangements provide several advantages. Most important, perhaps, is to free the surviving family from the distressing burdens of making those decisions at their time of grief. Making one's own advance arrangements allows each individual to exercise his or her own judgments about these matters, rather than forcing the family later to guess what would have been desired. Advance arrangements permit a family to make a collective decision, perhaps securing a group of family burial plots. Finally, there may be significant economic advantages to making advance arrangements. Burial plots or funeral services can be obtained at present prices, often at a substantial discount over prices in effect in later years. An installment payment plan may be available which permits easy budgeting for the purchase. The family will also be freed from the economic burden of providing funds later.
Valley Beth Shalom maintains a section of Eden Memorial Park for the use of its members. Payments can be spread over an extended period of time. Members can contact the VBS Cemetery Committee for information and assistance. Similar advance arrangements for funeral services can be made with many of the Los Angeles area Jewish funeral directors.

Return to Index

Part 3-Mourning and

Condolence

A.Who Are the "Mourners" Under Jewish Law?

Turning now to the questions of actual mourning and condolence, the first issue is to distinguish between the small family group of mourners and the larger community whose task it is to console and support them.
In Jewish tradition, the obligation of formal mourn-ing is restricted to seven relationships: spouse, father, mother, son, daughter, brother or sister. For the death of these relatives, one observes the formal "Shivah" mourning period, says Kaddish, observes the Yahrzeit anniver-sary, and attends Yizkor memorial services in later years. As used in this booklet, the term "mourners" or "family" will generally refer to these seven mourning relationships.
Even this clear classification has undergone some changes and development in our history. Initially, only children had the obligation of formal mourning, and the Kaddish memorial prayer was known as the "Kaddish Yatom" - the Orphan's Kaddish. Subsequently the class of mourners was broadened to include the presently recognized seven relationships. Even today, however, mourning for parents is still regarded as a special situation. Formal mourning observances for all mourners proceed through defined stages, but the practices observed for other relationships for the 30-day Sheloshim period are observed in the case of the death of a parent for one year. Obviously, contemporary recognition of mourning for parents as a special category is due to the historical differences in practice, and the Fifth Commandment to honor one's parents, and is not meant to imply a difference in the duration or nature of the grief.
Of course, today many others also express their loss upon a death. Where the quality of lifetime relationships with a decedent warrants it, sons-in-law, daughters-in--law or grandchildren sometimes formally mourn the death of an in-law or a grandparent. Certainly, a major theme of this booklet is the recognition that the extended family, Havurah, friends and congregation at large have a very significant role to play in the mourning process.

B.The Immediate Decisions Required Upon A Death

Jewish tradition recognizes that the mourners im-mediately after the death (an "Onen") are in a condition of great emotional distress and shock - so much so that they are excused from all personal, religious and community obligations. Their only duty during the period between the death and the funeral is to make the burial and funeral arrangements.
The important questions which the surviving family must deal with immediately following the death include: notifications, care of the body until the funeral, autopsy, donation of body organs, selection of the coffin, arrange-ments for the burial, the time of the funeral, and the content of the funeral services. These are all discussed in detail below.

1. Notifications:

One of the first matters to be taken care of is to begin the process of notifying the community. This is mandated by our tradition's insistence that both the mourners and the community at large have important roles to play in connection with the death.

(a) The Synagogue: A single call to the Valley Beth Shalom office will serve many functions. The Rabbis and Pararabbinics will be notified so that they can be available to help. The synagogue office will also thereby be able to serve as a community information source. Synagogue members often call the synagogue office to verify information about reported deaths.

(b) The Funeral Director: As detailed below, engag-ing a Jewish funeral director is another important first step, which will lead to much helpful information and assistance. In this connection, many families have found that it is very important before reaching decisions about the funeral to have the independent counsel and assistance of someone knowledgeable about authentic Jewish tradi-tion and contemporary funeral practices. VBS offers its members the coordinated assistance of our Rabbis, Ritual Director and especially trained Pararabbinics for this purpose. They should be consulted immediately.

(c) Friends and Relatives: Notifying friends or relatives can often be a burdensome task. The Havurah or other close friends should volunteer to make these calls. Obviously, it will be helpful if the time and place of the funeral arrangements have been worked out first, so that all of the information can be given at one time. Especially where there is no prior personal relationship between the caller and the party being notified, these calls should be kept brief and simple, and extensive discussion about the deceased's medical history and the emotional or financial state of the family should be avoided. The basic information could be given as follows: "I'm afraid I have some sad information about the __________ family. __________ died on __________ (day). The cause of death was __________. The funeral will be held on __________ at __________. Depending on the nature of the response, it may also be appropriate for the caller to indicate that the family is being cared for by close friends or relatives so that general visiting at the house before the funeral would not be appropriate; or what, if any, foods would be welcome at the house after the funeral; or the telephone number where additional information can be obtained later.

(d) Attorney: The decedent's attorney should also be contacted promptly. The attorney may have information about burial instructions or other Will provisions, and can answer any initial questions about probate procedures or other legal matters.

2. Care of the Body Until the Funeral:

(a) The Funeral Director: The funeral director will arrange to call for the body at the home or the hospital and to care for the body until the funeral. The Jewish funeral director is also an important source of help and information concerning state and local legal requirements and the available choices regarding coffins and cemeteries. Funeral directors should not, however, be relied upon to determine questions of religious law or authentic tradi-tion; such questions should be referred to the synagogue's Rabbis or Pararabbinics.

(b) Making the Decisions: It is important to recognize that the family of the deceased is often in a state of shock and confusion immediately after the death. Besides the shock, common immediate psychological reactions to the death of a loved one often include strong feelings of denial, guilt, and anger, which themselves are often suppressed and denied. This is obviously not a good time to make substantial economic decisions regarding the funeral. Thus, one of the most important services which a close friend or relative can render is to accompany and counsel the family regarding the purchase of mortuary and cemetery services.

(c) Preparation of the Body: Included among the services performed by the funeral director during this initial period is to see to the ritual preparation of the body for burial. The body is ritually washed in a rite of purification ("Taharah") and clothed in linen burial shrouds and a Talit (but with one of the Tzitzit - corner fringes - cut off to signify that the deceased is no longer subject to the mitzvot obligations). The body is not dressed in formal or favorite clothes, and is not made up cosmetically. The purpose of dressing in the traditional burial shroud is to recognize that finally all distinctions between rich and poor, fortunate and unfortunate, are obliterated in the common end of mankind. Fancy clothes and cosmetics are an unhealthy attempt to deny the reality of death and are a religiously improper attempt to glorify the lifeless corpse. Instead, we should reserve attention and concern for the spirit, soul, life and influence of the deceased, which was the essence of the deceased's humanity -- and divinity.

The body should be attended at all times, as a mark of respect for the deceased and a recognition of the deceased's utterly helpless state. The immediate family may want to spend some time in the presence of the body; at other times a watcher ("Shomer") should be in attendance. However, it is not generally regarded as ritually appropriate or psychologically sound for friends to visit at or spend the night at the funeral home.
In our tradition, the functions of washing, dressing and attending to the body until the funeral are regarded as a special honor. Traditionally, these functions are reserved for pious community members who formed themselves into burial societies called Chevra Kadisha. Today, for Conservative Jews, these functions are often performed by the funeral director.

3. Autopsy:

Conservative Judaism does not generally approve of autopsies, or of providing cadavers for general medical teaching or experimentation. These actions are incompatible with Judaism's insistence upon reverence for the human body as having been the receptacle of the divine soul. Of course, Jewish law permits a medical autopsy when absolutely required by applicable civil law. (In California, the County Coroner's Office has the authority to order an autopsy when necessary to determine the cause of death.) A voluntary autopsy may also be appropriate if it is medically significant, for example, to learn about health conditions which could have impli-cations for the rest of the family or for persons suffering from similar conditions. Judaism judges such matters under the standard of the general overriding obligation to save lives. However, it should be emphasized that questions regarding autopsy should not be resolved solely by the family or medical authorities. The Rabbi should be consulted on all such issues.

4. Donation of Body Organs:

It is important to recognize that many of the Jewish traditions about burial arose during the post-biblical period in connection with the belief in the physical resurrection of the dead. This belief required great concern for accounting for all body parts and organs. Today, most Jews instead focus their concerns in this area upon respect for the deceased as being a helpless and dependent member of society, and for the human body as having been the receptacle of the divine soul. Moreover, Jewish values give precedence to the saving of lives. Therefore, the donation of body tissues or organs for the purpose of saving the lives or health of others is not objectionable on religious grounds to most Jews today. However, it is still important to insist that the body be treated with the utmost respect, and that all unused tissue, blood and organs be returned for burial with the body.
California has laws (Uniform Anatomical Gift Act, Health & S.C. Sections 7150 - 7157) governing donation of body parts. For both legal and practical purposes, individuals desiring to make such donations should make advance lifetime arrangements, both by means of signing the legal donation form (which can be affixed to a driver's license) and by arranging with a hospital or other health organization for receipt of the donation.

5. Coffin:

The traditional Jewish coffin is a simple and plain wooden coffin, made of pine or other readily available wood. Wood is used because it permits the coffin to decompose at generally the same rate as the body and its linen shroud, permitting all to return to the earth. However, metal handles, hinges, screws or nails are permissible. Fastening the coffin with wooden pegs instead of nails or screws is not required by contemporary practice.
Exotic, elaborate or decorative woods, metal caskets or vaults, and fine linings or hardware should be shunned, as these would convert respect for the deceased into unseemly ostentation. We should also remember that well-to-do families in our community have an obligation to embrace uniform burial arrangements so as not to embarrass less fortunate families who cannot afford more elaborate materials. Arranging to purchase the coffin in advance of need will avoid emotional pressures on the family which might otherwise result in the purchase of an excessively elaborate and expensive coffin.
Where local regulations due to ground conditions require, cement vaults or grave covers or liners may be used. However, the Rabbi's advice about such matters should be obtained.

6. Burial or Cremation:

The Jewish way is burial in the ground. This tradition expresses thousands of years of deeply-felt opposition to unhealthy and unnatural worship of the dead. It is a solemn recognition that without the spark of divine soul and human intelligence, the body is simply a part of nature, which must be allowed to be subject to the universal natural processes of decay and return to the dust of the earth. No "modern" views of ecological or personal taste considerations may be permitted to override this central tenet of Jewish ritual belief. Although entombment above the ground is not uncommon in recent years, it is generally agreed that burial in the ground remains truer to the tradition. Moreover, em- balming processes are permitted only if necessary to preserve the body until the burial.
It should be emphasized that cremation is un-questionably unacceptable to Conservative Judaism. The process of cremation would substitute an artificial and "instant" destruction for the natural process of decay and would have the disposition of the remains subject to manipulation by the survivors rather than submit to the universal processes of nature.
Burial should be in a Jewish cemetery (one operated under Jewish auspices and reserved for burial of Jews). Indeed, it is one of the first obligations of any Jewish community to establish a Jewish cemetery. (One of the first acts of the Los Angeles Jewish community was the establishment of the Chavez Ravine Jewish Cemetery in 1855.
Two thousand years ago, at the time of the Temple, contact with a dead body by a Kohen (priest) would render him ritually impure and unfit to serve in the Temple. Some present-day Kohenim still avoid entering a cemetery in commemoration of this custom. Others enter the cemetery but stay at the back of the funeral party and avoid approaching the grave.

7. Time of Funeral:

As a mark of honor to the deceased and perhaps also as an appropriate response to the psychological needs of the family, the funeral is traditionally held as soon as possible. Although in earliest times the funeral was held on the day of the death, it is now appropriate to allow a day or two delay in order to permit distant family and friends to attend. The funeral must be scheduled with some care. Funerals are not permissible on Shabbat or certain holidays. Moreover, the Rabbis may have conflicting obligations and are not available at all times. Thus, the scheduling of the funeral should always be confirmed in advance with the Rabbis.

8. Funeral Services:

Traditional Jewish funeral services follow the dual principles of respect for the deceased but avoidance of any improper worship of the body. The coffin is not to be open at any time, as the dead body is no longer able to participate in social interaction. It is wrong to display the body as a "thing" to be observed.
Flowers are not used, because the funeral is not a time for decoration or physical beauty. Flowers have also developed a strong Christian theological significance which makes them especially inappropriate at a Jewish funeral. Friends who would otherwise send flowers should be encouraged instead to make a donation to a charity in which the deceased or the mourning family has been interested. The family may wish to designate a particular memorial fund (under the VBS Endowment Fund or similar charity) for this purpose.
Arrangements regarding the content and format of the funeral service should be worked out with the Rabbi or the Pararabbinics. The funeral service itself is discussed below in greater detail.

C.The Roles Of The Mourners And The Community During

The Time Between The Death And The Funeral

The time between the death and the funeral is the time for making the immediate arrangements discussed above. This time period is to be kept as short as practicable, consistent with permitting the family and friends to attend the funeral.
During this time period, mourning by the family or condolence by the community is suspended. According to the wisdom of our tradition, it is meaningless to attempt to comfort a mourner until the deceased has been buried. Psychologically, this is a very sound outlook, as the mourners are generally in a condition of shock, denial, numbness and confusion during the period immediately after the death. Much of the funeral service marks the beginning of "letting go" (acceptance of the reality of death), and effective mourning cannot be begun before that. Thus, the general community should not pay condolence visits at the home or the funeral parlor before the funeral. Of course, close family or friends should be available to the mourners throughout this time to offer their presence, comfort and assistance. The Havurah or other close friends could also help during this time by contacting relatives and friends to notify them of the funeral arrangements.
Often it is very helpful if one or two persons act as coordinators and as contact persons for the community, to ensure that appropriate arrangements for food or other assistance are made without wasteful duplication. Also one person, generally a close friend or relative, should be available to accompany the family for the difficult task of selecting a coffin, burial location and other funeral arrangements.

D.The Basic Elements Of The Funeral Service

1. Who Attends:

The funeral service has the double function of honor to the deceased and honor to the bereaved. Thus it should be attended by friends of either the deceased or the mourning family. Children should not be shielded from this experience and from their own grief. The funeral service is an important commentary on the Jewish view of life, as well as death, and children should not be kept ignorant of this part of their tradition. If there are any questions about the role for any particular child, the officiating Rabbi should be consulted.

2. Funeral Service:

Under the direction of the Rabbi officiating, there is a funeral service, at which it is customary to recite a Psalm, read a passage from the Scriptures, and chant the memorial prayer, El Moleh Rachamim. Although this service is typically held at the chapel adjacent to the burial grounds, this is not required, and the prayer service can be held at the gravesite.

3. Seating:

In some localities a custom has arisen to have the family separated from those attending the service by seating the family in a curtained-off alcove. This practice is probably supposed to permit the family to cry or otherwise express their grief out of the view of the congregation. However, it is clearly wrong to make the family or the community feel that crying or other natural expressions of grief are shameful or must be stifled. The practice of hiding or segregating the mourners is not a traditional Jewish one, and it is preferable if the family is simply seated in the first pews of the chapel during the service. It is not, however, appropriate for those attending to use this occasion to attempt to greet or comfort the mourners until after the funeral and burial.

4. Coffin:

The prayer service is held in the presence of the coffin, although the coffin should be closed at all times, and unadorned by flowers or other decorations. VBS can furnish its members an appropriate cloth covering for the coffin, if desired.

5. Eulogy:

In earlier times, the giving of a eulogy (a short speech extolling the virtues or community contributions of the deceased) was reserved only for great scholars or other outstanding members of the Jewish community. This practice gradually became generalized, and it is currently customary in all cases to have some words stated in praise of the positive qualities or accomplishments of the deceased. The eulogy should in all cases be kept within reasonable bounds of time and extent of praise, and the omission of any eulogy is certainly preferable to one which is embarrassingly immodest, effusive or untrue. In advance of the funeral service the officiating Rabbi will meet with the family to discuss themes and ideas to incorporate into the eulogy.

6. Music:

The service is often enhanced by having the Cantor sing the traditional memorial prayer, El Moleh Racha-mim. Other possible cantonal selections could be arranged with the Rabbi and Cantor. Organ, piano or violin accompaniment is not traditionally used.

7. Pallbearing:

It is traditional to name six or eight people (not the immediate mourners) who were close to the decedent to serve as the actual pallbearers, to help carry the coffin from the services to the gravesite. In some cases, physical strength is necessary for some portions of this duty. Honorary pallbearers may also be announced if there are more than six or eight who should share the honor of being named, or for those too young, old or physically infirm to actually assist.

8. Gravesite Service:

After the prayer service at the chapel, those attending file out and proceed to the gravesite. The coffin is taken there by hearse or cart, with the family accompanying. The pallbearers then carry the coffin to the gravesite. At the gravesite, the Rabbi leads the balance of the prayer service, which generally consists of Keriah (tearing clothing), El Moleh Rachamim, and the mourners' recitation of the Kaddish.

(a) Keriah (Tearing Clothing): The ceremony of Keriah --the rending (tearing) of clothing by the mourners -- symbolizes their grief and loss, and is probably an institutionalized substitute for the primitive custom of physical self-mutilation of skin, hair or clothing. Ori-ginally, the Keriah practice took the form of tearing an article of clothing (on the left side for a parent; or on the right side for others). More recently a practice has developed of cutting a small black ribbon, which can then be worn attached to the clothing. By following the original practice of actually tearing an article of clothing, mourners might have a better feeling of authenticity and connection with a cherished tradition of the past. In either event, the Rabbi officiates at the actual tearing or cutting.

(b) Kaddish: It has often been commented upon that the mourners' Kaddish prayer contains no reference to death; it is a prayer of praise and sanctification of God. The spirit of the prayer is one of almost defiant declaration of faith: that despite the tragedy of the loss, the mourners still publicly declare their steadfast belief in the Kingdom of God and a world of peace and goodness. Some have seen the Kaddish as man's attempt to console God for the diminution of God's universe resulting from the death.

(c) Filling the Grave: As part of the service the coffin is physically lowered into the grave. It is important that this be done in the presence of the mourners. The sight of the actual interment is important for the "letting go," and acceptance of the fact of death without fantasy or illusion.

The family and persons attending the funeral each place some dirt into the grave, onto the coffin. This is usually done with a shovel. Thus, each of us personally fulfills the obligation to bury the dead. The finality of this act further expresses for all the acceptance of the reality of the loss of the body and the termination of the prior life relationship with the deceased.

(d) Leaving the Cemetery: At the close of the services, the mourners return to the car, to be taken to the home at which Shivah will be observed. Those attending form two lines between which the mourners pass on their way out of the cemetery. Now that the burial has been concluded, the process of consoling the mourners can begin, so for the first time the persons attending speak to the mourners, saying as they pass, "Ha'makom yenachem et'chem b'toch shear avelei tziyon vi'Yerushalayim" (May God comfort you together with all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem).

E.The First Meal After The Funeral

The end of the funeral service and the beginning of the formal "Shivah" period of mourning are marked by the Seudat Havra'ah -- the Meal of Consolation. The family and those attending the funeral service return to the home (preferably the home of the deceased or else the closest related family member).

A pitcher of water, a basin and paper towels should be located outside the entrance so that before entering the home, all returning from the funeral can wash their hands, by pouring water from the pitcher. The washing may signify the transition from the funeral, with its focus upon the deceased, to the mourning period, with its focus upon consolation for the family.

The first act of that consolation is the Meal of Consolation, shared by all who return from the funeral service. This meal should not be prepared, or even procured, by the mourners. Instead, under our tradition, neighbors and friends should furnish this meal (and all other meals of the Shivah period). Currently it would be highly appropriate for the Havurah (or other friends) to make these arrangements. The VBS Sisterhood should be contacted for assistance in preparation of the food if it is not able to be furnished by family and friends.

The purpose of the first meal is to ritualize the obligation for the living survivors to carry on with their lives, however deep the loss. Unlike a "wake" or other practices of some other religions, the meal is not a celebration. There is no host or hostess, and it is not a party. It is not intended to celebrate the deceased or to cheer up the mourners, but rather to bring the gentle pressure of the community to encourage the mourners to begin their long and difficult re-entry into no