A Guide to Jewish Mourning and CondolenceJerome A. Rabow Copyright, 1982, Valley Beth Shalom
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Preface Graphic services were donated by
Bill Wallen. Howard Sheldon donated the printing services. The entire publication
of the booklet was made possible by a generous grant from the VBS Counseling
Center. Many individuals graciously shared
with us memories of their personal mourning experiences, and provided us with
both specific information and general encourage-ment. This booklet is dedicated
to them and to all the families with whom we share the pain, the dignity and
ultimately the mutually uplifting experience of Jewish mourning. Jerome A. Rabow Rabbinical Foreword No studies at the Seminary, no course
in death and dying, could have prepared me for what I came to see and live as
a rabbi in contact with death. Nothing I could have read would have taught me
how to hold the hand of a forty-year-old father dying of cancer. Nothing could
have stopped my stomach from turning at the apparent injustice of it all. No
studies can tell the rabbi how to keep his mind from coming apart in the face
of the tragic death of a child. Ultimately, everyone is unprepared for death.
1. Multi-disciplinary Approach: The booklet will attempt to approach
this complex area on a multi-disciplinary basis. We try to provide basic answers
to some legal questions which arise in death and mourning. Some of the important
financial information about funeral arrangements is also discussed. We try to
be sensitive to the psychological aspects of mourning and condolence, from the
point of view of both the bereaved family and the friends and community. Most
importantly, we attempt to describe authentic traditional Jewish standards,
while also exploring some possible adaptations to contemporary circumstances. 2. Necessary Advice: It is important to understand that
this booklet is neither intended as, nor constitutes, an official, authori-tative
statement of Conservative Judaism or of policies adopted or approved by Valley
Beth Shalom or its Rabbis. VBS members are urged to consult with the appropriate
authorities available to them through the synagogue as part of the proper use
of this booklet. Religious questions can only receive authentic and authoritative
responses with the help of the Rabbis, as assisted by the synagogue's Ritual
Director and Pararabbinics. Psychological issues can be extremely important,
and the professional assistance of a psychiatrist, psychologist, family doctor
or a VBS Paraprofessional Counselor can be an important step in the mourning
and condolence process. Financial information given here obviously cannot be
fully accurate or up-to-date, and the Jewish funeral director and the Valley
Beth Shalom cemetery committee should be consulted for current prices. Legal
issues and specific legal questions should be referred to an attorney. One way
in which VBS serves its members in time of need is to provide referrals to an
appropriate source of advice for any of these matters. Traditional Jewish attitudes about
death are an integral part of overall Jewish attitudes and philosophy about
life. Death has always been seen as a part of the natural process of life. Our
reaction to the death--worshipping cultures of ancient Egypt has ingrained in
Jews an avoidance of excessive focus upon death. For traditional Jews, the practices
surrounding death, funeral and mourning are governed, as are all features of
daily life, by an intricate set of detailed rules, each of which has something
significant to say about the underlying philosophy of life and relationship
to God and fellow man. 1. Contemporary American Problems: In contemporary America, many Jews
have lost their connection with the tradition. Searching for the rich philosophical
basis of their Jewish tradition, they are often unaware of the form or meaning
of many of the ritual procedures. Moreover, Jews in America have been strongly
influenced by the secular and Christian doctrines and attitudes of our mass
culture. Especially because so little is generally discussed in the home about
traditional Jewish beliefs in this area, we and our children have grown to believe
that certain secular or Christian practices are Jewish because they all seem
"traditional." Indeed, many Jews are shocked to learn that Judaism
does not follow practices such as viewing the corpse at the funeral, flowers
and floral wreaths, and the wake or celebration of the deceased. (Our reasons
for not following these practices are discussed below. 2. Development of Our Tradition: Of course, we must keep in mind
that defining the authentic Jewish tradition is not a simple task. Judaism has
gone through thousands of years of challenge, response and adaptation to threats
and influences of the majority cultures in which it has existed. Judaism has
responded to the exigencies of the times by developing various traditions which
did not have their source in biblical Judaism. Many Conservative Jews believe
that it is the obligation of contemporary Jews to continue the process of adapting
our authentic Jewish traditions and re-investing them with new meaning so that
they fulfill their functional role of helping the mourners and the community
respond to the death of one of our members. 3. Psychological Needs: In one respect, we have an easier
job in thinking about this matter than did the ancient rabbis in their attempts
to interpret and develop Jewish mourning tradition. As a result of modern psychological
and sociological research, we know a great deal about the psychological aspects
of bereavement and mourning. We understand now that the bereaved generally have
certain common needs in response to certain common pressures, and that the mourning,
funeral and condolence practices of the community cannot be considered appropriate
if they ignore these psychological needs. Indeed, one of the most fascinating
insights derived from a study of traditional Jewish mourning practices is just
how remarkably fitting, in terms of modern-day psychological understanding,
the traditional Jewish practices are. Rabbis of several thousand years ago were
able, simply on the basis of their general observations of human nature, to
develop practices whose timing and content closely track the most recent studies
of sound psychological practice in this area. 4. Changing Our Attitudes: It is hoped that this booklet will have a significant effect upon our attitudes about death. First of all, it is important that we and our children come to accept death as a part of life, and to see the transition from life to death as an inevitable part of the process of life. Secondly, the traditional Jewish mourning practices speak to us movingly and meaningfully about the Jewish philosophy of life. We should study and learn these lessons and integrate them into our own views of life. Finally, this booklet is about both mourning and condolence. This duality recognizes the fact that the death of a member of our community calls forth action, response and obligation, not merely from the immediate family, but also from the friends, Havurah and community at large, all of whom have vitally important roles to play in the process of supporting the bereaved. It is hoped that this booklet will furnish all of us with sufficient knowledge to feel confident and comfortable in carrying out our condolence mitzvot.
Considerations Any discussion of Jewish condolence practices might appropriately begin with the closely related traditions concerning relationships with the sick. 1. Visiting the Sick: In traditional Judaism, the visiting
of the sick (bikur holim) has always been regarded as a very important community
obligation. This obligation relates not only to visiting close friends or family
members who are ill, but is a general community obligation regardless of the
exis-tence or degree of prior personal relationship. 2. Problems of Terminal Illness: When a patient is not only ill,
but terminally ill, all the problems of everyone involved obviously become intensified.
The patient himself is in a unique state. The family is greatly affected by
the distress of the impending loss. Moreover, the visitor is burdened with the
knowledge of the forthcoming loss, and the concern that comes from not knowing
how to act or what to say. We should note that, while no firm rules can be expressed,
our general experience can provide guides for conduct in these situations. The
seriously ill patient is generally more able to control the course of conversation
than we commonly believe. Patients typically know the gravity of their illnesses,
either because they have been told, or because they can surmise the facts from
the actions and statements of those around them. However, patients differ in
their readiness to discuss these matters openly. Most studies indicate that
it is best to let the patient take the lead, and the visitor should be ready
to discuss or ignore the situation as the patient seems to call for. However,
such respect for the patient's own right to deal with the situation on the patient's
terms should not be twisted into a conspiracy of lying to the patient. The patient's
last days have a special meaning and value which is incompatible with surrounding
him with a facade of deception. 3. Conversations with the Terminally
iII: One good way to initiate conversations
with the patient is simply to ask the patient how he is feeling today. The patient
can respond at any level he wishes to discuss, and the visitor can readily follow
that lead. Many visitors shy away from making visits to terminally ill patients
because of fear of accidentally saying something which will suddenly upset the
patient or make the patient realize the gravity of his situation. We should
be aware that natural psychological defense mechanisms will tend to insulate
the patient from any such shock. Patients who are not capable of dealing openly
with the fact of their impending death very likely block out even straightforward
attempts to give them that information. Most health practitioners agree that
terminally ill patients are a good deal stronger psychologically than most of
us assume. On the whole it is far more cruel to deprive the patient of important
human contact at this time than to risk the rare instance in which a visitor's
well-meaning comment might result in some disturbance to the patient. 4. Helping the Family: One contemporary aspect of terminal
illness which perhaps calls for a change in traditional focus is the fact that
nowadays terminally ill patients are often subject to powerful medication and
around-the-clock medical atten-tion. This often puts the patient in a state
of being almost beyond the ability to be helped by even the most well-meaning
of visitors. At the same time, the patient's family is often ignored, although
it is frequently in a great deal of distress. Today, therefore, we should see
our obligation of visiting the sick as extended to visiting also with the family
of the terminally ill. In doing so, we should bear in mind certain natural psychological
consequences to the family of a terminally ill patient. Family members are not
only grief-stricken but are often struck by (and at the same time horrified
by the fact that they have) various feelings of guilt or anger about the terminally
ill patient. The family naturally feels some ambivalence about the period of
terminal illness, with its attendant and seemingly meaningless pain, suffering
and expense. While the visitor is not expected to be a therapist, the visitor's
awareness of these common psychological pressures and a willingness to give
an understanding ear to the concerns that may be expressed by the family can
be important to the family in helping them understand that their feelings are
normal and natural, and not inappropriate or disloyal. If a family is in significant
distress at this time, it would be a wonderful thing for a visitor who has any
influence with them to have them seek professional psychological help. Crisis
intervention counseling can be extremely important, especially as it may help
the family maintain its ability to interact fully with each other and with the
patient during this important time. A call to the VBS Counseling Center can
bring help in such a situation. Arrangements An area of lifetime consideration
which should not be left until the stage of terminal illness is purchasing,
in advance of need, a burial plot, and perhaps also funeral services. Such advance
arrangements provide several advantages. Most important, perhaps, is to free
the surviving family from the distressing burdens of making those decisions
at their time of grief. Making one's own advance arrangements allows each individual
to exercise his or her own judgments about these matters, rather than forcing
the family later to guess what would have been desired. Advance arrangements
permit a family to make a collective decision, perhaps securing a group of family
burial plots. Finally, there may be significant economic advantages to making
advance arrangements. Burial plots or funeral services can be obtained at present
prices, often at a substantial discount over prices in effect in later years.
An installment payment plan may be available which permits easy budgeting for
the purchase. The family will also be freed from the economic burden of providing
funds later.
Condolence A.Who Are the "Mourners" Under Jewish Law? Turning now to the questions of
actual mourning and condolence, the first issue is to distinguish between the
small family group of mourners and the larger community whose task it is to
console and support them. B.The
Immediate Decisions Required Upon A Death Jewish tradition recognizes that
the mourners im-mediately after the death (an "Onen") are in a condition
of great emotional distress and shock - so much so that they are excused from
all personal, religious and community obligations. Their only duty during the
period between the death and the funeral is to make the burial and funeral arrangements. 1. Notifications: One of the first matters to be taken
care of is to begin the process of notifying the community. This is mandated
by our tradition's insistence that both the mourners and the community at large
have important roles to play in connection with the death. (a) The Synagogue: A single call
to the Valley Beth Shalom office will serve many functions. The Rabbis and Pararabbinics
will be notified so that they can be available to help. The synagogue office
will also thereby be able to serve as a community information source. Synagogue
members often call the synagogue office to verify information about reported
deaths. (b) The Funeral Director: As detailed
below, engag-ing a Jewish funeral director is another important first step,
which will lead to much helpful information and assistance. In this connection,
many families have found that it is very important before reaching decisions
about the funeral to have the independent counsel and assistance of someone
knowledgeable about authentic Jewish tradi-tion and contemporary funeral practices.
VBS offers its members the coordinated assistance of our Rabbis, Ritual Director
and especially trained Pararabbinics for this purpose. They should be consulted
immediately. (c) Friends and Relatives: Notifying
friends or relatives can often be a burdensome task. The Havurah or other close
friends should volunteer to make these calls. Obviously, it will be helpful
if the time and place of the funeral arrangements have been worked out first,
so that all of the information can be given at one time. Especially where there
is no prior personal relationship between the caller and the party being notified,
these calls should be kept brief and simple, and extensive discussion about
the deceased's medical history and the emotional or financial state of the family
should be avoided. The basic information could be given as follows: "I'm
afraid I have some sad information about the __________ family. __________ died
on __________ (day). The cause of death was __________. The funeral will be
held on __________ at __________. Depending on the nature of the response, it
may also be appropriate for the caller to indicate that the family is being
cared for by close friends or relatives so that general visiting at the house
before the funeral would not be appropriate; or what, if any, foods would be
welcome at the house after the funeral; or the telephone number where additional
information can be obtained later. (d) Attorney: The decedent's attorney
should also be contacted promptly. The attorney may have information about burial
instructions or other Will provisions, and can answer any initial questions
about probate procedures or other legal matters. 2. Care of the Body Until the Funeral: (a) The Funeral Director: The funeral
director will arrange to call for the body at the home or the hospital and to
care for the body until the funeral. The Jewish funeral director is also an
important source of help and information concerning state and local legal requirements
and the available choices regarding coffins and cemeteries. Funeral directors
should not, however, be relied upon to determine questions of religious law
or authentic tradi-tion; such questions should be referred to the synagogue's
Rabbis or Pararabbinics. (b) Making the Decisions: It is
important to recognize that the family of the deceased is often in a state of
shock and confusion immediately after the death. Besides the shock, common immediate
psychological reactions to the death of a loved one often include strong feelings
of denial, guilt, and anger, which themselves are often suppressed and denied.
This is obviously not a good time to make substantial economic decisions regarding
the funeral. Thus, one of the most important services which a close friend or
relative can render is to accompany and counsel the family regarding the purchase
of mortuary and cemetery services. (c) Preparation of the Body: Included
among the services performed by the funeral director during this initial period
is to see to the ritual preparation of the body for burial. The body is ritually
washed in a rite of purification ("Taharah") and clothed in linen
burial shrouds and a Talit (but with one of the Tzitzit - corner fringes - cut
off to signify that the deceased is no longer subject to the mitzvot obligations).
The body is not dressed in formal or favorite clothes, and is not made up cosmetically.
The purpose of dressing in the traditional burial shroud is to recognize that
finally all distinctions between rich and poor, fortunate and unfortunate, are
obliterated in the common end of mankind. Fancy clothes and cosmetics are an
unhealthy attempt to deny the reality of death and are a religiously improper
attempt to glorify the lifeless corpse. Instead, we should reserve attention
and concern for the spirit, soul, life and influence of the deceased, which
was the essence of the deceased's humanity -- and divinity. The body should be attended at all
times, as a mark of respect for the deceased and a recognition of the deceased's
utterly helpless state. The immediate family may want to spend some time in
the presence of the body; at other times a watcher ("Shomer") should
be in attendance. However, it is not generally regarded as ritually appropriate
or psychologically sound for friends to visit at or spend the night at the funeral
home. 3. Autopsy: Conservative Judaism does not generally
approve of autopsies, or of providing cadavers for general medical teaching
or experimentation. These actions are incompatible with Judaism's insistence
upon reverence for the human body as having been the receptacle of the divine
soul. Of course, Jewish law permits a medical autopsy when absolutely required
by applicable civil law. (In California, the County Coroner's Office has the
authority to order an autopsy when necessary to determine the cause of death.)
A voluntary autopsy may also be appropriate if it is medically significant,
for example, to learn about health conditions which could have impli-cations
for the rest of the family or for persons suffering from similar conditions.
Judaism judges such matters under the standard of the general overriding obligation
to save lives. However, it should be emphasized that questions regarding autopsy
should not be resolved solely by the family or medical authorities. The Rabbi
should be consulted on all such issues. 4. Donation of Body Organs: It is important to recognize that
many of the Jewish traditions about burial arose during the post-biblical period
in connection with the belief in the physical resurrection of the dead. This
belief required great concern for accounting for all body parts and organs.
Today, most Jews instead focus their concerns in this area upon respect for
the deceased as being a helpless and dependent member of society, and for the
human body as having been the receptacle of the divine soul. Moreover, Jewish
values give precedence to the saving of lives. Therefore, the donation of body
tissues or organs for the purpose of saving the lives or health of others is
not objectionable on religious grounds to most Jews today. However, it is still
important to insist that the body be treated with the utmost respect, and that
all unused tissue, blood and organs be returned for burial with the body. 5. Coffin: The traditional Jewish coffin is
a simple and plain wooden coffin, made of pine or other readily available wood.
Wood is used because it permits the coffin to decompose at generally the same
rate as the body and its linen shroud, permitting all to return to the earth.
However, metal handles, hinges, screws or nails are permissible. Fastening the
coffin with wooden pegs instead of nails or screws is not required by contemporary
practice. 6. Burial or Cremation: The Jewish way is burial in the
ground. This tradition expresses thousands of years of deeply-felt opposition
to unhealthy and unnatural worship of the dead. It is a solemn recognition that
without the spark of divine soul and human intelligence, the body is simply
a part of nature, which must be allowed to be subject to the universal natural
processes of decay and return to the dust of the earth. No "modern"
views of ecological or personal taste considerations may be permitted to override
this central tenet of Jewish ritual belief. Although entombment above the ground
is not uncommon in recent years, it is generally agreed that burial in the ground
remains truer to the tradition. Moreover, em- balming processes are permitted
only if necessary to preserve the body until the burial. 7. Time of Funeral: As a mark of honor to the deceased
and perhaps also as an appropriate response to the psychological needs of the
family, the funeral is traditionally held as soon as possible. Although in earliest
times the funeral was held on the day of the death, it is now appropriate to
allow a day or two delay in order to permit distant family and friends to attend.
The funeral must be scheduled with some care. Funerals are not permissible on
Shabbat or certain holidays. Moreover, the Rabbis may have conflicting obligations
and are not available at all times. Thus, the scheduling of the funeral should
always be confirmed in advance with the Rabbis. 8. Funeral Services: Traditional Jewish funeral services
follow the dual principles of respect for the deceased but avoidance of any
improper worship of the body. The coffin is not to be open at any time, as the
dead body is no longer able to participate in social interaction. It is wrong
to display the body as a "thing" to be observed. C.The Roles Of The Mourners And The Community During The Time Between The Death And The
Funeral The time between the death and the
funeral is the time for making the immediate arrangements discussed above. This
time period is to be kept as short as practicable, consistent with permitting
the family and friends to attend the funeral. D.The Basic
Elements Of The Funeral Service 1. Who Attends: The funeral service has the double
function of honor to the deceased and honor to the bereaved. Thus it should
be attended by friends of either the deceased or the mourning family. Children
should not be shielded from this experience and from their own grief. The funeral
service is an important commentary on the Jewish view of life, as well as death,
and children should not be kept ignorant of this part of their tradition. If
there are any questions about the role for any particular child, the officiating
Rabbi should be consulted. 2. Funeral Service: Under the direction of the Rabbi
officiating, there is a funeral service, at which it is customary to recite
a Psalm, read a passage from the Scriptures, and chant the memorial prayer,
El Moleh Rachamim. Although this service is typically held at the chapel adjacent
to the burial grounds, this is not required, and the prayer service can be held
at the gravesite. 3. Seating: In some localities a custom has
arisen to have the family separated from those attending the service by seating
the family in a curtained-off alcove. This practice is probably supposed to
permit the family to cry or otherwise express their grief out of the view of
the congregation. However, it is clearly wrong to make the family or the community
feel that crying or other natural expressions of grief are shameful or must
be stifled. The practice of hiding or segregating the mourners is not a traditional
Jewish one, and it is preferable if the family is simply seated in the first
pews of the chapel during the service. It is not, however, appropriate for those
attending to use this occasion to attempt to greet or comfort the mourners until
after the funeral and burial. 4. Coffin: The prayer service is held in the
presence of the coffin, although the coffin should be closed at all times, and
unadorned by flowers or other decorations. VBS can furnish its members an appropriate
cloth covering for the coffin, if desired. 5. Eulogy: In earlier times, the giving of
a eulogy (a short speech extolling the virtues or community contributions of
the deceased) was reserved only for great scholars or other outstanding members
of the Jewish community. This practice gradually became generalized, and it
is currently customary in all cases to have some words stated in praise of the
positive qualities or accomplishments of the deceased. The eulogy should in
all cases be kept within reasonable bounds of time and extent of praise, and
the omission of any eulogy is certainly preferable to one which is embarrassingly
immodest, effusive or untrue. In advance of the funeral service the officiating
Rabbi will meet with the family to discuss themes and ideas to incorporate into
the eulogy. 6. Music: The service is often enhanced by
having the Cantor sing the traditional memorial prayer, El Moleh Racha-mim.
Other possible cantonal selections could be arranged with the Rabbi and Cantor.
Organ, piano or violin accompaniment is not traditionally used. 7. Pallbearing: It is traditional to name six or
eight people (not the immediate mourners) who were close to the decedent to
serve as the actual pallbearers, to help carry the coffin from the services
to the gravesite. In some cases, physical strength is necessary for some portions
of this duty. Honorary pallbearers may also be announced if there are more than
six or eight who should share the honor of being named, or for those too young,
old or physically infirm to actually assist. 8. Gravesite Service: After the prayer service at the
chapel, those attending file out and proceed to the gravesite. The coffin is
taken there by hearse or cart, with the family accompanying. The pallbearers
then carry the coffin to the gravesite. At the gravesite, the Rabbi leads the
balance of the prayer service, which generally consists of Keriah (tearing clothing),
El Moleh Rachamim, and the mourners' recitation of the Kaddish. (a) Keriah (Tearing Clothing): The
ceremony of Keriah --the rending (tearing) of clothing by the mourners -- symbolizes
their grief and loss, and is probably an institutionalized substitute for the
primitive custom of physical self-mutilation of skin, hair or clothing. Ori-ginally,
the Keriah practice took the form of tearing an article of clothing (on the
left side for a parent; or on the right side for others). More recently a practice
has developed of cutting a small black ribbon, which can then be worn attached
to the clothing. By following the original practice of actually tearing an article
of clothing, mourners might have a better feeling of authenticity and connection
with a cherished tradition of the past. In either event, the Rabbi officiates
at the actual tearing or cutting. (b) Kaddish: It has often been commented
upon that the mourners' Kaddish prayer contains no reference to death; it is
a prayer of praise and sanctification of God. The spirit of the prayer is one
of almost defiant declaration of faith: that despite the tragedy of the loss,
the mourners still publicly declare their steadfast belief in the Kingdom of
God and a world of peace and goodness. Some have seen the Kaddish as man's attempt
to console God for the diminution of God's universe resulting from the death. (c) Filling the Grave: As part of
the service the coffin is physically lowered into the grave. It is important
that this be done in the presence of the mourners. The sight of the actual interment
is important for the "letting go," and acceptance of the fact of death
without fantasy or illusion. The family and persons attending
the funeral each place some dirt into the grave, onto the coffin. This is usually
done with a shovel. Thus, each of us personally fulfills the obligation to bury
the dead. The finality of this act further expresses for all the acceptance
of the reality of the loss of the body and the termination of the prior life
relationship with the deceased. (d) Leaving the Cemetery: At the
close of the services, the mourners return to the car, to be taken to the home
at which Shivah will be observed. Those attending form two lines between which
the mourners pass on their way out of the cemetery. Now that the burial has
been concluded, the process of consoling the mourners can begin, so for the
first time the persons attending speak to the mourners, saying as they pass,
"Ha'makom yenachem et'chem b'toch shear avelei tziyon vi'Yerushalayim"
(May God comfort you together with all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem). E.The First
Meal After The Funeral The end of the funeral service and
the beginning of the formal "Shivah" period of mourning are marked
by the Seudat Havra'ah -- the Meal of Consolation. The family and those attending
the funeral service return to the home (preferably the home of the deceased
or else the closest related family member). A pitcher of water, a basin and
paper towels should be located outside the entrance so that before entering
the home, all returning from the funeral can wash their hands, by pouring water
from the pitcher. The washing may signify the transition from the funeral, with
its focus upon the deceased, to the mourning period, with its focus upon consolation
for the family. The first act of that consolation
is the Meal of Consolation, shared by all who return from the funeral service.
This meal should not be prepared, or even procured, by the mourners. Instead,
under our tradition, neighbors and friends should furnish this meal (and all
other meals of the Shivah period). Currently it would be highly appropriate
for the Havurah (or other friends) to make these arrangements. The VBS Sisterhood
should be contacted for assistance in preparation of the food if it is not able
to be furnished by family and friends. The purpose of the first meal is to ritualize the obligation for the living survivors to carry on with their lives, however deep the loss. Unlike a "wake" or other practices of some other religions, the meal is not a celebration. There is no host or hostess, and it is not a party. It is not intended to celebrate the deceased or to cheer up the mourners, but rather to bring the gentle pressure of the community to encourage the mourners to begin their long and difficult re-entry into no |
