You Are Not Alone

VBS CARES – we created this newsletter for those in our community that have been touched by death to teach one simple message: “You are not alone.”

When a loved one dies the fabric of our lives tears open like an old pair of pants whose hem has become worn out. With a shriek and a cry our lives change. Just a moment before, there was a life in this world that loved and cared for us, whose very presence was gift and brought light into our lives. And now they are gone.  

Something in the cosmic tapestry has ripped. The rabbis recognized these emotions and created a symbol, called kria. We tear our shirts, our ties, or our ribbons, symbolizing the deep trauma of loss when we lose our loved ones. For the world’s imperfections are laid bare, and we feel we lost a part of ourselves.

It’s not uncommon to feel scared and alone in your grief. How can this happen? How will I continue on? Will I only know sorrow for the rest of my days? How can anyone else know what I am going through right now?

In the Torah, when the Holy One created the world, God blew the breath of life into a clod of earth and called it man. But upon seeing Adam’s sadness and loneliness, God said, “It is no good for a human being to be alone” (Genesis 2:18). It’s better for us to be together.

You must know that you are never alone in your grief.

For two thousand years, the Jewish community has owned this idea. When we feel caught in the chasm between what was and what will be, our religion is there to catch us. God is always found in the “in between.” That’s why we put a mezuzah on the lintel of the door, for it is in the space that is neither inside nor outside where God is found.   With God, you are never alone in your grief.

For two thousand years the members of the Jewish community, as God’s agents, have taken care of each other,   creating specific times and rituals that bring the community to your home to pray, reflect, and share a meal together.  The following are the major phases of the year of mourning.

Shiva: The seven days of Shiva [literally, sitting], begins at the conclusion of the funeral (Day One) through the next six days. During this time you might feel overwhelming sadness and melancholy. You might also feel relief if the person who died had suffered from a long illness. The first three days are for intense mourning, followed by four days of mourning and reflection. You might also feel the comfort of the warm embrace of your community.   These are all normal emotions.   Typically during Shiva you do not go out of the home for entertainment nor engage in business. You can host a minyan (prayer service) in your home as a focused time of reflection and say the Mourner’s Kaddish prayer. Your community comes to you so you are never alone in your grief.

Shloshim: “Thirty Days” from the end of Shiva (day seven), through thirty days after the funeral, you come back into the world, but not fully. Typically you go back to work, but do not enjoy entertainment. Many mourners come to the synagogue for daily services to say Kaddish.   It is in this period of time that you feel as though the world is strange and different. Waves of sadness might overcome you, a sense of loneliness as you experience a “normal” week but without the presence of the one who died.   You may also feel a compulsion to “keep busy” like cleaning out the house or taking on a major project at work only to be overwhelmed by the sadness of loss. Again, these are all normal feelings. By coming to synagogue or joining a bereavement group you can work through these emotions. By being a part of the community you are never alone in your grief.

Yahrzeit: The anniversary of the day of death. It’s customary for the mourner to attend services to say Kaddish on Shabbat during this first year. If one loses a parent, the custom is to attend minyan daily.   On the evening of the Yahrzeit, we light a candle of remembrance that lasts twenty-four hours. It’s a way of bringing light back into the world when all we see is darkness. The Yahrzeit is observed annually. On the Shabbat closest to the Yahrzeit, mourners come to synagogue to recite Kaddish. It is also common to erect a memorial plaque in the synagogue or give tzedakah in your loved one’s name. By giving back to your community you honor them and yourself, showing that you are never alone in your grief.

By being with the community in your sorrow, you can mend the tear. It takes a great deal of time and effort, but stitch by stitch your life can become whole. It will never be as it was – it will be different. But we carry on with each other. For the loneliness of loss is always mediated by the love of the community.

Blessings,

Rabbi Noah Zvi Farkas