#bringyourwillinghearts #bepresent #liveintentionally #createholyspaces #repeat

In full disclosure, I write this article not from the pulpit on high, but from the depths of parenthood and personhood, being a father, son, partner and friend. I write this for me because I believe that I need to hear this and be reminded of this message daily and maybe there are others like me who could use this reminder. This article uses parenting as a metaphor for being in relationship. Yes, the focus of this article is directly about raising children, but I believe the greater message is one for all of all of us-parent or not.

Sitting in the Niznick sanctuary, 300 people gathered together to listen to parenting guru, Wendy Mogel,and her wisdom can and should be applied not only to children, but also to the way in which we interact with the people with whom we surround ourselves. Her premise was to have us ask ourselves the question: Do I want to be a grandparent one day?

In a very gentle rebuke (using a combination of humor and truth), Wendy said, “If you want to become a grandparent you need to be a model for your children. Everything we do as parents will determine whether or not our children will want to be in relationship, will want to have children of their own.” Our children see, hear, and interpret every interaction with them. They are constantly learning from our actions, be it from the way we chose to speak with them or our daily interactions with spouses and other loved ones (sometimes the most challenging of relationships in which to remember to speak with kindness). Our children are constantly watching us, learning and subconsciously deciding if they want to get married and have children of their own.

Recently I had the opportunity to sit in a parenting workshop facilitated by Marissa Gold, a parent in our schools and an expert in child development and brain-based parenting (using what we know about the way in which the brain develops to make parenting decisions).  According to what we know about the brain, parents and other adult role models help determine the brain mapping of a child. Simply, the way in which we interact with our children will either hinder or help their brains make the necessary connections to create the kind, caring, compassionate, driven, menchykids we hope to raise. Yes, 50% of how our children will ultimately turn out is dependent on the genes with which they were born, but there is an additional 50% over which we have complete control. Do we go home after a long day and engage with our children or do we check our phones for important e-mails? At restaurants or standing in line at Disneyland, do we make conversation and think of activities to engage our children, or do we give them a screen to play on to help pass the time. All the decisions that we make have an effect on our children and on those with whom we are in relationship.

To illustrate the lack of relational engagement let us consider two very real plausible situations: The way in which we approach many of our e-mail correspondence and a scenario of one’s engagement in the workplace.

E-mail: We often read and re-read e-mails to make sure that we said everything that we hoped to say, check for spelling, and make sure that our words were used properly and conveyed the exact message we hoped to send. We spend time and energy to ensure that we will be understood correctly and sound like we are educated and knowledgeable.

Work: When we are at work or working on a project, we do everything in our power to make sure that the project turns out exactly how we want. How many times is an advertisement evaluated before it is presented to a company for approval? And then, how many times does that same ad go back and forth between the advertizing agency and the contracting company before the advertisement is finally approved and disseminated?

We are a world of perfectionists, yet when we go home to a partner, our children, or other friends, do we invest the same time, energy and effort into building and maintaining relationships? Are we often too tired from a long day that all we may want to do is shut off, not have to think and not have to deal with the constant requests of our children and loved ones?

Clearly, this is not black and white. Some days are better than others and we are not perfect, but I believe we have to continuously ask ourselves: Are we living with intention? Shifting only slightly from Marissa Gold and Wendy Mogul’s message of intentional parenting, if we approachedall of our relationships using this lens, we could move towards intentional living. So how do we live with intention?

I believe parashat V’yakhel, this week’s Torah portion,offers us a four-step blue print for intentional parenting/​living.

Step #1: (Exodus 35:1) V’yakhel: “Moses convoked (assembled) the whole Israelite community and said to them…” Stemming from the same root of the word V’yakhelis the word Kehilah, community. The first step is to gather together, first as a family and then as part of a greater community, stepping away from distractions and devices and just being together human to human.

Step #2: (Exodus 35:2-3) Shabbat: “On six days, work may be done but on the seventh day you shall have a Sabbath of complete rest…You shall kindle no fire…” Shabbat offers us the opportunity to stop working and assemble. Yes there are melachot, what some would call restrictions (activities we are prohibited from doing on Shabbat). However, I would prefer to call them directions: helping us focus andnavigate through the cloud of distraction and arriving at the place of intentional living.

Step 3: (Exodus 35:5-19)Share gifts from your heart to build the Tabernacle: God commanded, “Take from among you gifts for the Lord; everyone whose heart so moves him or her shall bring them…” The SefatEmet, a 19^th century Rabbinic commentator, teaches that the people did not only bring material gifts (to the building of the tabernacle), but brought their willing hearts. If we bring our willing hearts into our homes and communities, hearts intentionally focused on those sitting right in front of us, our home, schools and synagogue will radiate God’s light and truly become our mikdash, our tabernacle, and our place where holiness shines brightly.

Step 4: Repeat steps 1 through 3: The Rabbis are puzzled as to why this parasha repeats the instructions for the building of the tabernacle. One commentator (anonymously shared by the EtzHayimHumash) believes that God so loved the idea of having a place for God to dwell among the people of Israel, that the details were repeated. I would like to suggest that the details are repeated not for God but for us.

Bring your willing hearts. 
Be present. 
Live intentionally. 
Create holy spaces. 
REPEAT.