Even When We Argue: A Spiritual Discipline for Troubled Times

Even When We Argue: A Spiritual Discipline for Troubled Times
Rabbi Ed Feinstein

To become a rabbi, I spent a lot of time studying Talmud. Talmud study is the literary equivalent of a boisterous Shabbos dinner table. It’s all arguments: Hillel against Shammai; Rabbi Akiba against Rabbi Yishmael. The arguments emerge from the shared search for moral truth -- the tug-a-war between the Bible’s lofty ideals and the hard realities of a difficult world. Talmud study invites us to join this noisy, contentious conversation. After a while, I came to enjoy it. Talmud was a lot like the home I grew up in – quarrelsome, combative, but built upon love. No matter how hard we fought, my brothers and I knew we were family, we knew we were responsible for one another, we understood that we needed one another. So too in Talmud.

Our community is experiencing a difficult time. Over the past decade, we have watched American politics, Israeli politics, and the politics of the Jewish community grow more and more polarized, heated, contentious. Discussions that were once friendly quickly turn harsh and biting. Not so long ago, we could respect our differences as principled. Now they generate deep personal offense. We chose up sides and we stop listening to one another. We hear only the voices that echo our opinions -- MSNBC or Fox News; the New York Times or the Wall Street Journal; Rachel Madow or Dennis Prager – everything else is deemed “fake news.”

The Founding Fathers of America, just like the rabbis of the Talmud, believed that no one owns all the truth. We find our way to truth only in discussion and debate. Truth is found only by listening carefully to one another. The Founders, like the rabbis, constructed a system to contain the centrifugal forces of passionate differences. The glue that held this remarkable system together was a set of civic values. These values govern the way we talk with each other, the way we conduct politics, and the way we express our disagreements. They are rooted in the fundamental Biblical principles of tzelem Elohim, respect for persons, and shlom bayit, respect for the community. To be a member of the community, in both the American tradition and the Talmudic tradition, means learning to discipline our passions, learning to listen, and listening to learn.

Today, I fear we are losing these civic values, in America, in Israel, and in the Jewish community. And in doing so, we are losing our connection with one another. I know families who can’t talk at the dinner table. Too argumentative. Too harsh. Too mean. I know friends who feel pushed out of their circles of acquaintance because their politics have been judged unacceptable. Everyone is ready to protest that the issues involved are existential and essential and worthy of passion. Yes. But to destroy friendships, to sour our community is also an existential threat. Community is ultimately very fragile. We either protect and cultivate it, or it weakens and soon disintegrates.

I sincerely hope you are passionate about your politics. Politics matter. Our visions of America’s future and of Israel’s future are important. But when we discuss these issues – in person, on line, on Facebook – we must recognize that those who disagree came to their opinions just like we did -- out of love for the country, concern for its future. We are all motivated by our dreams for the world we leave our children.

Here is a spiritual discipline for these difficult moments: Take a moment, just a breath, before you share an opinion or unload your feelings. For a moment, step out of the combative stance, and just listen. Acknowledge the other. An opinion can be wrong without being evil; it can be mistaken without being malignant. Find the value at the heart of the opinion you disagree with. You just might discover that those values are not so different than your own. Asked the Talmud: “Who is wise? One who learns from everyone.” Even someone I disagree with.

We are family. We are responsible for one another. Even when we argue.